What might have been

Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time
I've got a good life now, and I've moved on
So when you cross my mind...

I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin in
And theres no way to know
What might have been

We can sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past...

So try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin in
And theres no way to know
What might have been

That same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night, I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say good bye, and turn and walk away...

And try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin in
And theres no way to know
What might have been
No we'll never know, what might have been


I had lunch today with an old friend. He and my mom dated for many years while I was in junior high and high school. In many ways he was in my life when it mattered most. Things didn't work out between them, but it's one of those situations where it left us all wondering "what if". At times things were amazing with him, but at other times they weren't. Obviously it was the latter that ended up prevailing, but the former that keeps us holding on to memories hoping they don't disappear for good.

It was weird to see him today. It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that he isn't a big part of my life anymore. I wish he were. I wish he could see my daughter grow. I wish he could be a Grandpa that could show her the world through playful eyes, like he showed me.

In fact, I owe N!ffer to him. He was the one who started it, and probably the only one who truly referred to me by that name. Now it's a name that I hold dearly. Only those closest to me have the right to call me N!ffer, and I love it when they do. That wouldn't be the case without him, and I think it goes to show how much he meant to me.

I can't help but wonder, though, what might have been if they had stayed together. I feel like my mom would be the same person I thought she always was, maybe a more playful, less cynical version of herself now. I don't mean to insult my mom. I just think that she would be different had things ended differently. You tend to become more like the person you're with, and just because she is more like her current husband does not mean it would have been better the other way. It just means I wonder. I can't help but feel like we'd be a closer family if they had stayed together. We would have played more with each other. We would have more fun. Things would be less serious.

I would love for Ellie to grow to know this man who meant so much to me and it hurts to be reminded of the fact that it probably won't happen. It's just not practical, is it? However, I wonder if I will ever be able to tell Ellie the stories about this guy and how he helped me become who I am. Maybe it's one of those things that would mean more to her Mommy than to her, but I do hope that I will be able to show Ellie that this man deserves a lot of credit for who and where I am and he means a lot to me, even if he is no longer a big part of my life. I wish he were.