After reading Heidi's comment to my previous post I knew I had to write again.
My sincere apologies for sounding as petty as I did. When I reread my post, I could see that it did not reflect the feelings I had intended to vent. Heidi is right, my post complaining about being able to afford to save for the future when there are so many people trying to make ends meet sounds as petty as "weekly manicures and elective cosmetic surgery." Shame on you, N!ffer!
I am sorry.
I think in regards to the way Heidi took my post, the only solution I can think of is to come up with a better phrase than "I can't afford to..." because if you look at it in a black and white fashion, yes I CAN afford to. I do not see it as black and white as Heidi does, but I also do not want to insult those I choose to vent to. So maybe in the future I should choose words like "I choose not to..."??? Is that any better? That sounds self-righteous to me. Maybe there just isn't a solution.
However, my post yesterday was not intended to compare my inability to "afford" something to the inability for those who struggle more than I do to afford the same thing, or even something more basic.
No, it was intended as a vent against my own family members. Both my mom and sister are capable of having a financially sound lifestyle, but due to poor spending habits they do not. My vent was intended towards them and towards the fact that they feel like I'd be in the same boat if it weren't for Michael. My mom once made A LOT of money but chose to do nothing to save for her retirement. Now she's "suffering" by having to continue to work and "make ends meet." My sister makes good money too but has A TON of credit card debt that she needs to pay off.
It's comments from these types of people that get to me. They sometimes act as though I have no reason to hesitate on buying a chai on a whim, or buying a piece of clothing that happens to be on sale. These people look at what they're spending and focus on how they *COULD* be spending more. I look at what I'm spending and focus on how I *COULD* be spending less. It's a different attitude on money.
And it's a difference that is costing all of us. It's costing them because they have to now deal with the consequences of their poor decisions, and it's costing me for having to justify my spending (or lack there of) on a semi-regular basis. It's annoying to me to have my mom and sister assume that I can afford to buy something above and beyond the basics, when it's those specific spending habits that have gotten them into the situations they have found themselves in.
Does that make sense? Does that make my vent any better or less petty? I hope so. Like I said before, I know how fortunate we are but I feel like part of that has to do with our spending habits. My mom and sister *COULD* be just as "fortunate" as we are but sometimes they make what I consider to be stupid decisions instead. I just get so tired of having to defend myself for not making the same mistakes (large or small).
Many hugs to anyone I might have insulted - it was not my intention at all.
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5 comments:
It isn't really about "afford." We are really trying to make sure that we can still do all the things that are more important to us than a daily coffee house fix. We are trying to put our kids through school, we are still trying to give $10k a year to charity.
The annoying thing is that somehow they have made it out to be a *bad* thing that we pay attention to our money. What does that say? Is it really bad to forgo a facial in lieu of a $1k donation to SmileTrain?
Personally, I wasn't offended by your post. I have had similarly differing views on money with close family members. We live simply and save. Like your sister, there are members of my family that work and should be fine but because of the choices they make, they find themselves in debt over their heads.
I admire the choices that you've made and it's unfortunate that your mom and sister are basically being snipey about it.
Do you think you could actually come out and say to them-- "You know, we all make different choices. We like to splurge on different things. Can we leave it at that?" or "Let's make a deal- I'll try not to harsh on you for buying the shoes and you could give me a break if I don't feel like buying the chai. It actually bugs me that you give me a hard time about this stuff. It's not funny." Maybe they don't realize how much it bugs you-- like someone getting teased for getting straight A's. To them it's like-- "What? What did I say- I was paying you a compliment?" But it's a backhanded compliment and it's not cute.
I don't know... something from your heart so they learn that you're sensitive to their words.
Thanks for the advice, as always!
I am sorry for commenting like that in your private venting space. You did not offend me in the slightest, and you did not sound petty. My comment was intended as the devil's advocate, giving them the benefit of the doubt. You have every right to be upset -- I am on your behalf. They should be proud of you! (Your mom is doing this?!) Obviously they are insanely jealous. It's one thing to want to spend less, and another to have the discipline to follow through. Or, easiest of all, criticize you.
Your choices aren't hurting anyone. In fact, it's donations like the one you made to the National Brain Tumor Society, that helped make 2009 the biggest breakthrough year for gbm treatment in something like 20 years! In 2009 Avastin was given accelerated approval for gbm by the FDA the same month that my mom found out it was her last chemo option. It gave her 6 more months of quality life, enough for my daughter to remember her grandmother, at least for now. I'm in a little bit of a bitchy mood at the moment, so if all else fails I'm going to suggest that you tell them that.
Or suck it. I still really like suck it.
Hugs.
Heidi, you make me laugh. I actually did not think that I insulted you, personally. But your comment made me realize I *could* have insulted someone. No worries. Hugs right back to you.
And yes, "suck it" is a wonderful phrase.
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