I'm not sure if I can put my finger on what Ellie's parents are doing right in regards to their marriage, but so far so good. I wish I could say the same about the other two family marriages that also occurred in 2004. Though I suspected one of them to have their challenges, I never thought they'd both be nearing divorce only 5 years later.
It really has me looking at my own marriage. I don't know what it is we are doing right but I do feel like things are going strong (I certainly hope Michael feels the same... lol). I hope that whatever it is we're doing, it is giving Ellie a good example of what she deserves in her own future.
When I try to analyze the situation and find common issues in the other marriages (which already I know is unfair because each situation is different), one of the main common traits I come up with is that they have both been keeping their finances separate. This concept never made sense to me because I feel like it's more of a room mate situation than a soul mate.
Does a marriage have to be one of "what's yours is mine and mine is yours" or is it possible to work with "what's yours is yours and mine is mine - don't ask don't tell" environment? From my limited data sample, it seems to me that the unity of a marriage is key, and I think it's key for one reason - equality.
Can you really have equality in a relationship if you're worried about each other doing their share? Now that I think about it - it's a little contradicting, isn't it? If you worry about each partner doing their share then you officially end up with equality. On paper. But I think it backfires on you when you're discussing equality in respect for each other.
Hmm... I'm going to have to think about that one a little more. Whatever it is that Ellie's parents are doing right in their marriage, I'd like to keep it that way. It would be helpful to know what the secret is, though. What's your secret to a happy marriage?
Ha ha ha... Please don't tell me that the secret to your happy marriage is sleep. That will be going away again very very soon, if not already. Sleep might be the second key to a good marriage, though. =)
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5 comments:
In my ideal world, things that really matter for a good relationship are a deep love & respect for the other. So it makes sense as you say for there to be giving without qualms.
I definitely see you two very happy and it's a joy to see!
It is true that spleeness and myself largely keep our finances separated, and when we don't, the rules are understood, or it's a gift with no strings attached.
I have a hard time looking at marriage in a what works sort of way. There are many successful couples who click but that we just don't understand. So instead I examine the other side.
When a marriage fails around (or prior to) the 5 year mark I usually assume it was never going to work. Five years does not seem like a long enough time for one or both of the spouses to change into such different people that they can no longer be married to each other. I see it like a high school reunion. At five years, despite whatever path they have taken, most people are still easily recognizable. "WOAH! Where did that come from???" is the exception, not the rule. Okay, so maybe that kid who drank a little too much is now a raging alcoholic, but couldn't we have seen it coming? Especially if you knew that person well enough to marry them? It makes me wonder...did they settle? think they could change the person? ignore small problems as they continued to grow into bigger problems? were in love with the idea of being in love instead of being in love with the person they were marrying?
10 years or 15 years -- that's when I think you can start to see the change. That's when the idea that a marriage that at least started off right could now dissolve makes more sense to me.
J and I actually talked about this at length a month or two ago. (We've been married 12 years.) We are starting to see waves of divorce ripple through our friends at two particular time frames -- 8 years and 13-15 years. The first group falls into what I see as the classic had kids too soon after getting married, and they are the parents of the Cracker's peers. With the second group it's just plain old growing apart, having different ideas of where they want to be in the next 10 years. Or, in a few cases, having one spouse simply kind of drop out of the marriage, lose interest, not be present or participate, not with any ill-will, just kind of withdrawing into themselves and ignoring life around them. (In one particular case there are mental health/stress/depression issues.)
Children can be an incredible stress too. But even if I had all the help in the world taking care of my kids, and a maid AND a personal chef, what I will always need at the end of the day is my husband. That connection cannot be replaced, even if you alleviate all other stresses. If I didn't have that I'd feel alone.
(Separate finances is also something that we don't understand, at all. For some reason we were under the impression that you guys had completely separate finances. Oopsies!)
I guess at the end of the day my to do list would be to stay active as couple so as not to drift apart, to deal with small problems before they become big, and to be mature enough to be able to truly agree to disagree. I also think that being passionate about what you believe in, even if your spouse does not agree, is important. I want him to roll over and say whatever, nor do I want him to always say yes dear. To me that's too much like being married to yourself. Blech!
Sorry to hear about the hard times going on around you. If I remember correctly you had very serious doubts about one relationship from the start. Hoping all involved come out the other end healthier and happier.
xoxo
I find that the times when "help" is the least helpful is around bed time, which is unfortunate because it seems like both children need to go down at similar times. If it's just me and my "helpers" I almost always end up having to put both kids down myself anyway.
Heidi, I loved what you said and I love the analogy to a 5 year reunion. I think that makes a lot of sense. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the topic. I always like hearing how people view stuff like this.
As for finances, I had to laugh that you and J thought we kept ours separate too. I laugh not because you're wrong, but because the way we do stuff might be so complicated that it's easy to come to that conclusion.
In a nutshell, we save money into lots of different accounts. Each account is dedicated to something specific (Real Estate, Car, Daycare, etc). All of our money (whether it comes from my paycheck or M's) goes into the accounts in one form or another.
What we do keep separate are 4 of those accounts. We each have two accounts, one for charity and one for spending money (2 for him and 2 for me). Each of the 4 accounts get the same amount of money deposited. I have no say in what he spends his "me" money on or which charities he donates to. He has no say on what I spend my "me" money on or which charities I give to. But like I said, each of the 4 accounts get the same amount of money during any given pay-period.
In writing, it's confusing, but I swear it makes sense once it's all set-up. It's just a b!tch to change banks! LOL.
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