When Ellie was born, my mom planned a road trip with her sister to bring a bunch of stuff out to us. The plan was to take their time heading across the country and arrive in Maryland in time for the baby's birth. Since Ellie came a little early, this plan didn't last long and turned into a mad dash across the country in bad weather. My mom was upset that she "didn't make it in time" and I always somewhat questioned what the big deal was because the baby was only a few hours old when she did arrive.
I never really made the connection that she was actually trying to make it in time to **WATCH** the birth and to be present in the room with us.
Until now.
She asked if she could be present for Baby II's birth and I told her that we wanted it to be just the two of us. It was obvious that she was hurt by this and now I question ow important it really is to her.
Is it weird that I don't think I want my mom to be there? In the past, the mother-to-be would often want her mom to be there because she's been there and done that. But that's can't even be said about my mom (all three of us were c-sections).
I don't think it would be bad having her there. I'm sure she would try her hardest to make sure she stayed out of the way and helped in any way she could.
But we do question the effect she would have, mainly in regards to Michael. Michael would be concerned that with my mom there, he would find himself wondering what to do himself. That is the down-side to a well-intentioned helper. It leaves little for others to help out with.
He also questions the effect she would have on my decision for an epidural. We'd like to go as long as possible without one, but he acknowledges that I'm very persuasive. I'll agree with whoever I'm talking to at a given point in time, and my mom definitely affects many of my decisions and viewpoints. Michael fears that with him and the doula encouraging me that I can continue without an epidural, if there is a third voice in the room (especially if that voice is my mom's) saying something along the lines of "maybe now **is** the time" then I would lean towards believing that viewpoint.
Anyway, I didn't mean to go into too many details. I'm just wondering in this day and age, how common is it to have your mother in the room with you while you give birth? Did you? Would you? It's a tough question I think.
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Hm. I have no idea. I would wonder what kind of an effect this would have down the road, would she ruminate over this hurt long after it's over? If you explained your concerns, would she be sympathetic? Regardless, it is *your* decision and even if she's crushed, it should be what you feel most comfortable with.
Could she wait in the waiting room and then see you after the baby arrives? That's what we did w/my sis.
UH OH.
Who is Ellie going to stay with? Would "it's really important to me that you be available for Ellie because we won't" work?
Obviously this is a new idea that you hadn't considered before, so you deserve some time to think. Do that.
I'm guessing that you're like me, the type that dreams about what they want the birthing experience to be like. If she can fit into that dream then fine, but if not you should not feel guilty because it's about what you want, not what she wants. I knew what I wanted for my first birth but it didn't work out, and I always wish I'd done it differently. For Olive I was determined to have the birth I wanted for G and not only did I get it, it was even better then I coul dhave ever imagined. I'm so happy I did what I wanted(with the support of J and my midwife) and not what other people thought I should do. Best experience ever and no one can take it away. (Though they still try to make me feel bad about it on occasion. Ugh.)
My mother wanted to be in the room too and she was also hurt when we told her that we really wanted to have a private moment for my husband and myself. I opted to allow anyone in the room until I started to push- then everyone had to clear out. She grumbled about that compromise too but accepted it. In the end, I ended up with c-section so she hung out with us until we went into the operating room. It turned out being convenient to say, "Sorry, only one person allowed with me into the c-section."
My sister delivered a year and a half later- and she allowed my mom into the room. My sister didn't care one way or the other. My mom was delighted to be part of such an amazing moment. And happily, she did not throw it back in my face about not being invited to mine. It seems no hard feelings (although I never asked her afterwards).
Going forward, I still think (partly because my mom can be a bit overbearing) that I would still choose to have the moment that our child enters the world be a private powerful moment for just the two of us. My sister did say that she had to do some behavioral correcting for my mom for a while until she understood what the boundaries were. She said there were a few awkward moments when she said non-encouraging things like you mentioned (she encouraged her to get the epidural early on) but she eventually learned to hold her tongue mostly and was fine.
So in the end, it sounds like, it could be good to have her there and not too intrusive, if you don't mind you and Michael having to do some teaching/correcting at first until she learns the right balance during your labor. After that it could be lovely.
I guess my answer is- it depends. If my mom and I seemed to be "in a good place" in terms of communication, like she might really listen to and respect my husband and I if we told her something, then I'd let her come in. If it seemed like it was going to be a hassle to coach her over and over again then, no. My sister didn't mind coaching my mom over and over again during her labor- I would have minded. My husband would definitely have minded.
Plus, my husband is not the type to necessarily reign my mom in and I would be most worried about his toes getting stepped on. So it would also depend on how he was feeling about things.
You have a lot of faith in your doula too. I'm sure she has experience with pushy moms. I'd ask her opinion and see if she has something reassuring to say, like, "Oh-you and Michael don't have to worry. I'll take care of it just tell me what you want and I'll manage her." That might be ideal actually- then your mom won't be offended by you or Michael and she'll respond better to direction by the doula as an objective outside expert. That worked great at my wedding when my dad started being a drama queen- the pastor totally spoke to him in calming yet commanding tones and settled him down where he might have been offended by anyone else telling him to grow up.
Ask the doula.
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