What might have been II

Well we had lunch with him again, and just like last time, it was bitter-sweet. As nice as it always is to see him again, I'm always left with remembering how at one time in my life I imagined him playing such a bigger role in my children's life.

I was talking to my friend, Jen, about it and she pointed out that she doesn't really know much about Cary. She said that she knows he meant a lot to me because whenever I talk about him, I get all emotional. I never noticed that before, but she's right. My eyes tear up at almost just the thought of him.

What's worse is seeing my mom deal with her feelings. There is such a big part of her that questions why she's not with Cary. She thinks about him so often and I've even heard her say on more than one occasion that Cary was probably her soul mate. It's hard for me to sit back and watch her think so fondly and sadly about him.

This time for lunch, though, Cary met Ellie. He brought her a little puzzle (which she loved to put together and take apart over and over and over again) and a bag full of shiny rocks (a total N!ffer gift, but it scored big points for her too). My mom ended up stopping by to pick up Ellie so that my sister and I could spend more time with Cary. That was her excuse anyway.

It was kind of sad to hear the excitement and nervousness in her voice when the plan was decided. Then there was the same tone in Cary's voice when we mentioned my mom would be stopping by. There was the distinct impression that he has the same sort of thoughts about her. Were we just imagining it?

Ellie was pretty cute. She was well behaved but didn't interact too much with Cary. He's a big guy and I can understand that he might be a big intimidating to a little girl. When Gramma came to get her, she asked Ellie if she wanted to give Cary a hug good bye. At first Ellie said, "No. He's re-a re-a re-a big!" but Gramma reassured her by telling her that Cary was a friend of Mommy's and a friend of Gramma's. After that, Ellie walked around the table and gave Cary's leg a hug. Did I see a glimpse of moisture in his eyes? I think so.

I'll be honest. I struggle quite a bit over this. It's so hard for me to see that everyone in this story cares deeply for each other but no one is doing anything about it. What can be done? Who knows. My mom is married to another guy. He's a nice enough guy, but he's not the family man my mom craves so much. He's not going to be the cute playful old man that my mom envisions as her partner in the perfect Grandma and Grandpa duo. He's not Cary. And things are not going well for them.

I'm not sure what else to say. I don't know if there is anything else to say. Maybe there would be more to do about it if things don't work out with my mom and her current husband, but that's not a very kind thing to wish upon anyone. Unless that happens, though, I think I will just have to make the most of the occasional lunches with Cary. N!ffers probably should not play match-makers anyway. Should they?