Let me just say that I have always thought that Michael and I are very fortunate. We were lucky to both leave college with great degrees and no debt. Though we make good money, I've never considered us to be "rich" because our day-to-day expenses are pretty low. The rest of our money gets saved - we don't live like we make a lot of money. Maybe we are "rich" BECAUSE we CAN save so much? Who knows.
What I do know, though, is that I get tired of the comments we often get from my family regarding money. I say "I can't afford to stay at home and not work" (not saying that's the only reason to choose not to be a stay-at-home mom) only to have a family member return with "You know that's not true. You could definitely afford to stay home." The tricky thing about that is neither statement is wrong. It's all a matter of how you define "afford" and where you want your money to go. Yes, I could stay at home but then we wouldn't be able to save for college. We wouldn't be able to save for an early retirement. We wouldn't be able to donate so much to charity. And daycare is anything BUT cheap. But you're right - if it weren't for all those things, we could "afford" to do it.
I guess I get tired of the small comments I get from family members whenever I choose to not spend $3.00 on a Starbucks chai. Or whenever I choose to not buy a cute pair of $60 shoes that happen to be on sale for 50% off. It's like it annoys them that I try to watch my spending. And it annoys me that they think I can spend like I have no worries.
What annoys me the most is that they assume it's all Michael's doing. It's Michael who is the one pushing the budget on me or it's Michael who says we have to save for the future. Without Michael, I would probably have spending habits similar to my sister's. That's bull$#!+.
Sure, before we got together, I didn't have a "formal" budget. Neither did he. I spent a lot less than I made and was saving money well, even if I didn't have the funds allocated to certain end goals like real estate or car. I'm not sure what made us become more... um... fiscally organized when we came together (maybe it was realizing how much we want to do in our lives together?) but it was both of our doing. I get some of the credit.
And it's not a bad thing to be the way we are, is it? I'm guessing that there are many families out there who wish they could save more than they can. I'm guessing there are plenty of people out there who spend more than they make, regardless of how many digits their salary has in it. It's a balance, people. And it's not like we never "live in the moment" either. We've gone on quite a few trips to Europe and plan fun little outings together. We splurge - we just splurge on items that mean a lot to us.
I wish I didn't feel so defensive. I shouldn't have to be.
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2 comments:
When you justify that you can't "afford" to stay home because you'd have to give up or change your future plans and/or lifestyle, well...lol here, but...duh! Saving for an early retirement, giving to charity, and saving for college vs. a designer wardrobe and a blinged-out house are more altruistic priorities, but it's still a lifestyle choice that you are making. Staying home always means giving something up no matter how much you make. The argument that you'd have to give something up? Well, yeah, everyone knows that. You choose not to, but it doesn't mean you couldn't.
When you apply for a loan you are either approved or denied. Some people, no matter how much they want the loan in their heart of hearts, will be denied. Girlfriend, you got the loan! Be proud!!! You don't have to take the loan, but saying you can't afford to stay home comes across like you're saying that you were denied. I can't help but wonder, is there a chance these relatives are jealous?
I do understand what you're saying, but I (and I'm guessing these relatives) see being able to afford to stay home as black or white like a loan. We are living in times where a lot of people cannot afford to provide their children with basic needs. In this economic environment your statement raises hackles. Not being able to afford food is different than not being able to afford to retire early. I realize the comparison is overly harsh, but if someone is struggling to maintain a fairly simple, no-frills lifestyle your inability to retire early comes across like weekly manicures and elective cosmetic surgery. Fair to you? Hell no! But...yeah.
When you tell someone that you can't afford something and they have less than you, it implies they can't afford it either. (I'm totally guilty of doing this as well, even intentionally. Big fat mouth? Right here!) By your definition I can't afford to stay home -- I think we just have different priorities. We are extremely proud not only of how much we put into our savings and retirement accounts each month, but the balances of those accounts as well. Even though we might be able to put more away if I worked, we are drawing the line here. For us, in this time and this place, is enough. For you it's not, and that's okay. You draw the line in a different place. You made one choice, we made another. Yet, if you truly cannot afford to stay home, neither can I. Could they be seeing it that way?
What is comes down to is a choice which you do NOT need to justify! You're right, you shouldn't have to be defensive! A pile of money didn't just land at your feet -- you (and Michael) worked hard for years, earning you the to ability to have that choice. Since you and your relatives don't agree on if you can afford it, take out that factor. Trying to push a point they will never agree with weakens your position. Simplify it down to "this is my/our choice and a little support would be nice!"
(Hehe, and if that doesn't work, "SUCK IT!")
Hugs! Sorry that you are dealing with this. We get grief as well for not spending every cent we earn. In our case, their ideas are so wildly different than ours that we've come to a place where it no longer irritates us. Sending you a virtual glass of wine and hoping you find your happy place, too.
Thanks, Heidi. You brought up some points that hit me hard but in a good way. I am sure the frustration goes both ways and my choice of words probably can't help.
I'm better now. Thanks for the hugs. =)
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