Too many people, too little time

One of the most frustrating things about parenthood is the lack of time. There just isn't enough time in the day to spend as much as I want with Ellie, let alone anyone else. Since Ellie came along, "Family first" has become a regular motto for us to live by. We try to allow Ellie to spend as much time with family members as possible.

So when do I get the time to maintain or develop the friendships I crave for myself?

I'd love to spend more time with the friends I've had forever, but it's hard to do because they're in different places with their lives right now. That's not a bad thing. It's just a fact.

I'd also love to spend more time developing new friendships with people I've recently met (and think are fantastic), who happen to have children the same age as Ellie. In theory, if we were to become closer then it would be easier to hang out because our kids could play together as well. Theory is always so optimistic, isn't it?

And what about those who I should be seeing out of obligation? As it turns out, I have quite a few cousins and aunts who live in the area. I haven't seen many of them for years and years, but I'm obligated to, aren't I?

And that damn Facebook thing. I've had so many people return into my life who I really didn't intend to deal with. Many people who I used to be great friends with, I've assumed still lived out East. As it turns out, though, they're all back in Boulder! Shouldn't I catch up with them? We were once really close.

Seriously, how does one choose? I guess I just have to suck it up and admit that there isn't enough time for everyone, and hopefully those who I deem to be "less worthy" will understand.

I wonder if this would still be an issue if my sister lived near by. I feel like I crave an extremely close friendship with another woman. I haven't had that in so long, but I feel like it's something I need. Is that strange?

But seriously, there are just too many people I want to keep in touch with. Here is the list of people who, up until recently, I had every intention of meeting up with (in no particular order):

- The two great gals I've been friends with since high school
- My old room mate has moved back from the East coast
- Old high school friends who are now Mommies and it would be great to catch up
- Mommy friend who has a bunch of scrap book material she's trying to sell
- New fantastic Mommy friend who has a great personality and we just "clicked"
- Step sister who lives in town
- New Mommy and her neighbor who we bonded over frustrations with Boulder moms
- Mommy friends who I met through scrap-booking. Again, we just clicked
- Old college friend who is back from DC and now has a little girl
- New friend who I met through multiple separate connections
- Friends I've met through my husband - some of who actually have kids too
- Midwife from MD now lives in this area and also has a baby
- Cousins (I think there are 5 who live in the area)
- Another Mommy friend we met through daycare
- Ellie's best friend's Mom (at least our daughters are great friends)
- The person who is renting my sister's house (great gal)

And that's not even including the bridesmaid from my wedding, who I would love to hear from again to know everything is ok in her life.

I just don't have enough time, but I don't know how to choose which relationships to nurture. And even if I did choose, it seems like I just don't have the time or energy to initiate getting together on my own, and who would want to deal with that?

Ok. I'm rambling too much now, especially since most of the people who read this blog are included in the list above. Please don't feel bad. Chances are you have nothing to fear. =)

I call your bluff

Aunt Erin now claims that she doesn't want children. She's decided that her handbags and dinners at fancy restaurants with her hubby mean more to her than having children. She figures she can spoil Ellie (and the sibling we all keep forgetting is on the way) tons and thus be able to experience all the good side of children without the bad, difficult part. She figures it will be cheaper that way too.

Let me just say now that I'm calling her bluff. I don't believe her, nor do I agree with her. Sure, children make it more difficult to have time out, but I don't think they are any more expensive than the life that Erin would have without children.

But the important part is that I don't believe her.

But I also found myself having a hard time deciding if I should say anything about it. I tried to tell her that she's still missing out on the great moments where Ellie runs to me exclaiming "Mommy!" and gives me a big hug. I tried to come up with other examples - there are so many, but my mind came up blank. It was almost like I thought that there was no way I could convey how amazing it is to be a parent.

And to add to the story, last night we went to Chick-Fil-A and Ellie was dipping her fries and chicken into two different sauces. Aunt Erin made a comment about how "see, this is why I don't need my own kids." I'm pretty sure she was grossed out by how messy Ellie was (which really wasn't very) or that she was "mixing" sauces. Either way, her comment bothered me. I think it was on behalf of Ellie, but it's been weird to hear Erin list examples (all from Ellie's actions) of how she can deal with never having any of her own. It made me sad for Ellie's sake.

Yet the more Aunt Erin came up with examples, the less I believed her, and that's the real point. Let it be known. I'm calling her bluff. Only time will tell who is right.

She's young. Not deaf.

Ok, a minor and very quick vent here. Pappy and Grammie came to visit for Ellie's birthday and as nice as it was to see them, it's also nice to have the house to ourselves again (us and Aunt Erin, who we always love to have around). At one point in time, we had Pappy, Grammie, Uncle Jake, Grandma and Aunt Erin all staying with us. It was a good weekend, but still nice to have things back to normal.

As it always is whenever you have family over, there tends to be the one thing that you notice more than anything else that bothers you. This time it was Grammie talking to Ellie. Anytime she said something to her, she would say it with a very loud voice. Everyone noticed it. I got comments from my in-laws about it, too (and they usually keep their mouth shut about observations like that).

Poor Ellie noticed it too. How could you not? Grammie was the only one she didn't open up to this weekend, and I think it's because Ellie didn't like the way Grammie spoke to her. And in response, I think that Ellie yelled more this weekend than she usually does. The thing about young toddlers is that they copy what they see. If we whisper to her, then she whispers back. If we yell at her, then she yells back. Since Grammie spoke to her loudly, she spoke loudly back.

It was hard to deal with and hard to watch.

The difference? AN ENTIRE GENERATION!

Since Ellie was born, I have made the transition to having Michael be "Daddy." This means that my father has been promoted to "Pappy." However this backfires on me whenever my mom asks about "Daddy" and I assume she's speaking about my husband. Apparently not everyone has made the same mental transition.

I guess this makes sense. My mom has spent almost 30 years referring to my dad as "Daddy" and we did the same. I'm not even sure I call him "Dad" on the phone anymore, but I certainly no longer call him "Daddy." Regardless, I can see why it would take my mom some time to adjust when she has 30 years to get passed.

However, I don't understand her issue with "Mommy" and "Grandma." I don't believe we have ever called her by "Mommy." She was always "Mom," but regardless the word "Mommy" wasn't really in her vocabulary like "Daddy" was because how often do you refer to yourself in the 3rd person like that?

I guess I am missing something because she constantly makes the mistake of calling herself "Mommy" when speaking to Ellie. Not only that, but she calls me "Grandma" when speaking to Ellie. She does not do it on purpose. She corrects herself whenever she notices it, but she doesn't notice it all the time.

I don't get it. Someone explain why this would make sense.

Nature vs. Nurture

You know the argument, right? Do our genetics make who we are or do our surroundings define the people we are?

As I get older, no wait... I wonder if I should say "as my mom gets older"... I am constantly surprised at the person my mom is. Don't get me wrong, I think she's an amazing person and I will always think that, but it seems to me that recent years I've seen sides to her that I didn't know existed. Strangely enough, I know I started noticing them when Ellie was born. I wonder if there is something to that.

Anyway, I do wonder how much of it really is my mom, or how much of it is her surroundings. She, of course, claims she hasn't changed and that she's always had these strong opinions, but just never expressed them. From my perspective, the mother I knew growing up was much more open-minded, less judgmental and much more conscious about the impact she has on the world around her (both environmentally and personally). She would strive to be a better person and help those around her.

It's easy for me to assume that the changes are an effect of being married to her husband. He's a wonderful man, but does have some strong opinions that I generally would say disagree with the maternal image I have in my mind for my mother.

So who is right? Was she always like this and I was just a typical child blinded by my absolute admiration for my mother? Or has she changed because of spending so much time with her current husband? Does it matter?

Yes, I feel like it does. I feel like in so many ways I don't really know who my mother is. She'll say something that bothers my husband and when he tells me about it, I'll respond with "Really? my mom said that?" How is it possible that I don't really know who she is?

My husband does the same thing with his father. Whenever his father does something that doesn't fit with his image of his dad while he was growing up, he attributes that to his step-mother's influence. So maybe I'm not alone, and maybe I'm right.

But maybe I'm not. Maybe it is the way my mother has always been. And in so many ways I know I'm like her, in which case it scares me. Am I becoming more and more judgmental as I get older? Maybe it's happening at such a slow pace I don't notice it. Or maybe I do notice it but always justify it? The example that comes to mind is the vaccination issue you've heard me complain about recently. Would I have acted the same way 10 years ago?

I recall my mom telling my sister and me that she never wanted to become her mother, and if we ever saw that happening, we should tell her. My sister and I feel like it's happening, but we're too scared to speak up. We don't want to hurt her feelings.

So is that what's in store for me? Will the day come when I tell Ellie "please let me know if I ever become like Grandma?" and then she'll keep her mouth shut when I do?

I look at how much my mom has had to break away from the traditions her family has had and that gives me hope, but it is still a concern that I wonder about whenever my mother does something that takes me by surprise.

I wonder when I lost that naive impression I had of her. Was it when I became a mother myself, or is that just a coincidence? Anyone else experience something like this?