Never enough time

This sad topic has been on my mind ever since Spleeness wrote about it, but now that a friend of mine is going through something similar with a loved one, I guess I should get off my butt and write about it.

I'm sure everyone does it - imagines what it would be like if they were to die. Would your loved ones be OK? How long would it take for them to recover? Who would go to my funeral? Would there be people there I wouldn't expect? Would my feelings be hurt by those who were absent? It's not a fun topic to linger on, but I'm sure everyone has had dreams related to it. For me, though, though the dreams were sad, it seemed like my subconscious was approaching it from a curiosity standpoint.

The next level would be to dream about what it would be like if a family member were to pass away. Of course, it would come unexpected, right? And what was my last conversation with them like? Did I remember to tell them I love them? I totally should have taken the time to have dinner with them last week! I thought I had more time. There is never enough time. In all honesty, I've been grateful to not have to deal with this (the closest I came to was the death of grandparents, which is something you kind of see coming), so I know I can't speak to what it would be like. All I know is that I always wake from these dreams with tears streaming down my face and wishing the days didn't go by as quickly as they do.

Then there is the next step, one which I experienced more, the dream (I guess nightmare would be more appropriate) of what it would be like to lose that all-important person in your life. Your soul-mate. Oh my god. Since meeting Michael, you have no idea how many times I have had this dream and it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. My subconscious knows that this would just break me, so these dreams are filled with raging emotions. From these dreams I find myself waking in tears, but also rage. I'm not sure how to describe the rage. I guess it comes from a feeling of being utterly lost.

Finally, there comes the dreams of losing a child. This is one that I've had a lot in recent months and I'm not sure how to interpret my reactions. Unlike the previous forms of nightmares, in this case I wake up empty. Like life isn't worth continuing. Like my sunshine is gone and thus there is no reason to get out of bed. It takes me a while to realize it was just a dream, much longer than the other scenarios. But the thing that pops out the most with these dreams is the numbness that I feel. I don't wake up with tears, though my eyes feel like they've cried until all their moisture is gone. I wake up with black circles under my eyes, as if I hadn't slept in days. In a nutshell, I wake up like a zombie.

I have been fortunate in that I haven't had to say good bye to many people in my life, and I've always known that it would be difficult if I did. However, it hasn't been until recently that I even imagined my life without Ellie. I'm sure losing my soul mate would break me, but having Ellie there would probably rescue me from my despair. However, I'm not sure what would be able to pull me out of the zombie state I would be in if something were to happen to her.

My apologies for the serious post. It's just that it's been on my mind lately and I find it somewhat interesting (and scary) that my reaction to my dreams about Ellie is so different than the others.

Update

I will be writing another post on my "public" blog regarding this topic, but as a quick update -

It depends on who you talk to. Michael seems to think that the only reason my sister is upset about us talking about the next baby because she wants to be around and present in the baby's life. I hope he's right.

But there is something deeper telling me he's not. She brought up the topic many times (mostly in passing) this weekend. Every time she did, we didn't linger on it. I didn't defend ourselves or even talk about our reasons (which is why I'll be writing another post soon), but I felt like she wouldn't have brought it up so many times if she wasn't upset about it. There is just something there that tells me she is upset because of reasons having to do with her not having a baby of her own at this point in time.

But at least she didn't pry for reasons from us. She brought it up often, but we were pretty quick to move on each time it came up. I'm sure she played a part in not lingering on the topic.

In her defense, though, Michael's comments got me thinking. And as it stands now... if we stick to "our plan" and my sister sticks to her plan to move back - then she will miss the same exact period of time in the next baby's life as she did for Ellie when we were in MD. It's funny how coincidences pop up in life, isn't it?

It was bound to happen eventually

I created this blog to post the things that I thought would have possibility of upsetting my family, but I guess I knew that eventually I would mess up. Note that I announced our decision to try for another baby soon, only I announced it on my other blog (I meant to put that here).

Let's just hope that all the text messages my sister has sent to my phone are spoken in a joking manner... I see her tonight, so I guess I'll find out soon how upset she really is or is not.

First Parent Teacher Conference

I had my first one today. It was strange. It made me feel old.

It ended up being another one of those things that brings out memories from my own childhood. These moment always take me by surprise and I wonder if I'll ever get used to that feeling of "I'm now my mother. Or *A* mother, anyway." I recall my mom missing out on a lot of parent teacher conferences, though when I look back on my grades in elementary school I would think she would have had a lot to say to my teachers. I didn't do so well in elementary school.

I wonder if my memory serves me right. Did she really miss out so much? I know she was busy, much busier than I will ever be (hopefully) and just had a lot on her plate (being, for the most part, a single mother of 3). However I do recall feeling like my school didn't mean much to her because she would not be able to make it to the parent/teacher conferences.

I'm going to have to get over this thought, though, because it was all I could think about while sitting there listening to Ellie's wonderful teacher. I may be wrong, but I'm guessing that parent/teacher conferences are not meant to be substitutions for counseling sessions to help heal your own childhood wounds. =)

M-I-C? K-E-Y? MOUSE!

Last week Grandma was nice enough to watch Ellie while I ran some errands. They love spending time together. As it turns out, I returned from my errands right as they were getting ready for bed, so I camped out on the stairs listening to the two of them together (a rare opportunity for me).

Things were going very sweetly at first. Grandma was reading her a book and singing songs to her. Then suddenly things changed dramatically...

Grandma: OH $#!+ there's a mouse! Oh my god! Oh, Ellie, you didn't hear Grandma say that. Oh my god! There's a mouse! Ok, calm down Ellie. It's ok.

Seconds pass

Grandma: OH S#!+ it can jump! Oh my god it can jump high! Did you see that, Ellie? Oh $#!+. Shhhh... don't tell Mommy you heard me say that. What do we do?

Seconds pass

Grandma: Mommy? Are you home?

At this point it became apparent that Ellie would not continue being sweet until Mommy came to her rescue. There is something about knowing that Mommy is around that brings out the fussy side in this child.

Mommy: Where's the mouse?

Grandma: He jumped all the way into the hamper?

Mommy: Wow! He can jump high. Here, take the hamper outside.

Mommy starts to put Ellie down for bed. Meanwhile, in the distance we hear:

Grandma: Oh! Oh! Ahh! Oh my God. $#!+ $#!+

All the neighborhood dogs: Bark! Bark! Bark!

Ellie (still laying down with her eyes closed): Oof! Oof!

So Grandma is afraid of mice? Who knew? According to Daddy, it's completely out of character.

We'll keep this one to ourselves

Uncle J can be a little sensitive about certain things, but it won't stop me from sharing!

Ellie: Ma Ma!
Daddy: Yeah, that's Mommy in the picture. Who is that?
Ellie: Da da.
Daddy: Good job. Who is that?
Ellie: Na Na!
Daddy: Yep, that's Aunt Erin. Who's that?
Ellie: Gapa!
Daddy: No, that's not Grandpa, that's Uncle J!

Name calling

I've recently posted a question about whether or not I should say something to daycare for using "Lori" as a nickname for Ellie. As a result, I had a conversation with Michael about it and it turns out that even "Ellie" bothers him.

When we first came up with her name, we liked it because we could use "Ellie" as a family nickname. Michael liked that idea until "strangers" didn't know her real name. The real connection was this:

Ellie and I stayed with my sister and brother-in-law for a month when we first moved back to CO. Aunt Erin calls her Ellie. My brother-in-law's sister was living with them so she called her Ellie. Then at Aunt Erin's graduation dinner, the parents of the sister of the brother-in-law didn't know Ellie's real name. In fact, they thought that Ellie WAS her name. This bothered me, but it REALLY bothered Michael.

Since then I have tried to tell my family that we like them using Ellie, but to introduce her by her full name. But the damage has already been done. Apparently whenever he hears "Ellie" he cringes and wonders if the person even really knows her full name. He admits that it's not logical because he knows that Grandma knows her full name, yet he has the same thought whenever he hears her say Ellie. Same goes for Grandpa.

He also admits that it's probably something that just needs to take some time to get used to. Much like it will take me time to get used to people calling her Lori long before she's mature enough to be a Lori. I guess in the end, I now understand what other parents were saying when they got upset that people don't use their children's full names. Thank goodness we didn't have a boy and named him Harrison, even though Grandma insisted no one uses the name Harry anymore. LOL.