Never enough time

This sad topic has been on my mind ever since Spleeness wrote about it, but now that a friend of mine is going through something similar with a loved one, I guess I should get off my butt and write about it.

I'm sure everyone does it - imagines what it would be like if they were to die. Would your loved ones be OK? How long would it take for them to recover? Who would go to my funeral? Would there be people there I wouldn't expect? Would my feelings be hurt by those who were absent? It's not a fun topic to linger on, but I'm sure everyone has had dreams related to it. For me, though, though the dreams were sad, it seemed like my subconscious was approaching it from a curiosity standpoint.

The next level would be to dream about what it would be like if a family member were to pass away. Of course, it would come unexpected, right? And what was my last conversation with them like? Did I remember to tell them I love them? I totally should have taken the time to have dinner with them last week! I thought I had more time. There is never enough time. In all honesty, I've been grateful to not have to deal with this (the closest I came to was the death of grandparents, which is something you kind of see coming), so I know I can't speak to what it would be like. All I know is that I always wake from these dreams with tears streaming down my face and wishing the days didn't go by as quickly as they do.

Then there is the next step, one which I experienced more, the dream (I guess nightmare would be more appropriate) of what it would be like to lose that all-important person in your life. Your soul-mate. Oh my god. Since meeting Michael, you have no idea how many times I have had this dream and it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. My subconscious knows that this would just break me, so these dreams are filled with raging emotions. From these dreams I find myself waking in tears, but also rage. I'm not sure how to describe the rage. I guess it comes from a feeling of being utterly lost.

Finally, there comes the dreams of losing a child. This is one that I've had a lot in recent months and I'm not sure how to interpret my reactions. Unlike the previous forms of nightmares, in this case I wake up empty. Like life isn't worth continuing. Like my sunshine is gone and thus there is no reason to get out of bed. It takes me a while to realize it was just a dream, much longer than the other scenarios. But the thing that pops out the most with these dreams is the numbness that I feel. I don't wake up with tears, though my eyes feel like they've cried until all their moisture is gone. I wake up with black circles under my eyes, as if I hadn't slept in days. In a nutshell, I wake up like a zombie.

I have been fortunate in that I haven't had to say good bye to many people in my life, and I've always known that it would be difficult if I did. However, it hasn't been until recently that I even imagined my life without Ellie. I'm sure losing my soul mate would break me, but having Ellie there would probably rescue me from my despair. However, I'm not sure what would be able to pull me out of the zombie state I would be in if something were to happen to her.

My apologies for the serious post. It's just that it's been on my mind lately and I find it somewhat interesting (and scary) that my reaction to my dreams about Ellie is so different than the others.