I guess it's naive of me to think that people won't talk about our parenting skills and whether or not they think we're doing ok, but it does bother me.
Last night my sister commened on how my mom commented on "Merlin" being a bad name for a dog. This led to me asking if my mom made any comments on the names we picked for the baby. This led to me asking if she's made any comments on our parenting skills in general. I should not have asked.
It's not that it's bad or anything. Maybe my sister was being nice and sparing me any details, but she did say that both of my parents have commented on us being overly protective of Ellie.
Why does this bother me so much? Do I really need my parents to think that I'm doing everything great? Or maybe everyone thinks I'm overly protective of her? Or, is this an opinion that they made at the beginning and just haven't modified it as Ellie grows? What else have they said?
I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. Maybe it's because I don't think it's true. I do think that we are protective of Ellie, but not overly so. In fact, we've gotten the opposite comments from our friends - comments on "you are both so relaxed" when it comes to us watching nervously as Ellie approaches the edge of a small staircase, with the grass just two feet below. We try not to jump to rescue her all the time. It's not easy being relaxed.
I think that's what bothers me so much about my parents comments. We work hard at not being overbearing so it hurts my feelings to hear that they think we are being so. I really wonder why they think that. Do they still think so? I wish they could adjust their opinions instead of sticking to the first impressions they got. Or maybe they have? Maybe the problem is that my sister just hasn't heard the new opinions.
UGH. Stop it. It's not that big of a deal.
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6 comments:
Hey Niffer! Thx for sharing this blog. I'm sending another comment that will be for this post, just wanted to say thx for contacting me and letting me know about it, what a great idea to use a blog to vent. And then we never have to worry about losing our diaries... ;)
ok be back in a min.
First off, I remember seeing you with Lorielle at that party - and my first impression was what a great mom you are! So natural, so relaxed, exactly how I'd want to be if I ever had kids.
Now this is just my opinion but the proof is really in little Ellie. She isn't afraid of the world, she is interested and curious, sure markers of a little girl who is confidant that it's safe to explore. Some of that is probably part of her genes but I really think you are doing a great job. I can just tell by how you write about her and how you reflect on yourself on your blogs.
One thing that frustrates me with some family -- I was just thinking this last week, as I'd just come home from a NJ visit seeing mine, is that in some way I feel so, um, DEFINED in their eyes. I can SEE that they have this view of who I am and there's just no way I will ever be able to break down that wall and say yes, but I am these other things too! Just look at me with other people!
Sigh
My counselor says that comments like these are more of a reflection on the person's state (the person who's making them) than reality. Maybe "overprotective" is a code word for "you give more attention to her than me/us" (which is normal because who can be 100% involved in conversation, jaw hanging raptly, when an infant is running around and you have to make sure she is not eating scissors? Really now.
It's amazing how hurtful it can be to get negative feedback like this.
My mom thinks I am not doing right by my dog, it makes me want to rip my hair out. I worry that I will be in menopause, ever wishing for her approval. ugh
So I feel for you. But no, I don't think it's true.
I was tired of watching what I said on my other blog. I don't feel like any of it was intended to upset my family, but I know that I have upset a couple members on more than one occasion. Hopefully they won't ever think to look for this blog, but if they ever find it then maybe they'll still know that my intensions are good. Sometimes you just have to vent in order to avoid something building up.
Thanks for the kind comment! I think your observation on how the real proof is in Ellie and how she views and approaches the world around her. I think that makes a lot of sense and hopefully I will be able to remember to fall back on that one in the future!
I totally understand what you're saying about how you're so DEFINED in your family's eyes. I certainly feel like that - I feel like it's difficult to change whatever original opinion they made of me.
However, I am guilty of the same thing. There are a couple things about my sister that I'm sure she'd use as examples of having a hard time changing our viewpoints on. I guess everyone is guilty of this in some ways. I think we all want to believe we really KNOW our family. If we admit we don't, then that's like admitting we aren't as close as we pretend to be.
I am catching up on reading your blog today - otherwise I would have posted this sooner.
I think you are an inspiring mommy... :)
Thanks Jenny! I talked to Michael about it recently and he was surprised I was bothered by the comments. His response was that he didn't think it mattered at all what other people thought. What matters is that **WE** think we're doing a good job. I guess I just need to be reassured every so often. =)
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