I'm not really sure what to do about this, so I've decided to vent about it as a solution. =)
Grandma has a habit that bothers me, though I'm not really sure why.
There really is no doubt that Ellie is getting closer and closer to the "terrible twos" because she has started to do things like refuse to get dressed, or stay still during a diaper change. It's all normal, I'm sure, and I'm trying to introduce choices in her daily routine in hopes of helping the situation. So far, it isn't anything major, very few actual break downs. She just usually complains and twists and turns a lot.
So what does this have to do with Grandma? It's her comments that bother me.
"Hey, there is no need for that!"
Yes, there is a need. She doesn't want to get dressed. She doesn't want to stop playing to get her diaper changed. She doesn't want to eat a banana, she'd rather eat peaches but she doesn't know how to tell you. There is always a *need* for a toddler's reactions. I'm sure it's frustrating for them to have these feelings of independence without being able to express them.
"Boy, you're a grump today!"
Yes, but do you need to bring more attention to it? I find that children will be what you say they are (something I learned from Grandma) and if you say they're a grump, they will stay that way. The quicker I change the subject and move on to the next activity, the quicker her attitude changes.
"You are a strong willed, little monster, aren't you?"
See comment above.
"I don't think I like you when you're grumpy."
You don't like her? You DON'T LIKE her? No, say something like "I don't like this behavior" but not "her!" Granted, Grandma usually fixes this in her next sentence or two, but the damage I think is already done.
Everything Grandma says is true. It is hard to deal with her at time and she can be a grump. So that's why I don't know what to say, because it bothers me when she makes comments like that, but I feel like I can not fault her in saying the thoughts we're all thinking.
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If you are a family member then that means you've stumbled on my secret blog. Busted! The intention of this blog was to provide a place to post the stories that I felt might offend or upset any family members. I did not want to upset you, but I still wanted to share my stories (some funny and some not) with others. Hopefully you understand! I love you!
4 comments:
I'd feel the same way if I heard those things being said. I don't really have any solid advice for you, but I'm going to write stream of consciousness...
I'm thinking if you talked to her about it, it probably wouldn't go well. But I think you need to sit down and decide how much it bothers you; how much you truly believe those words can hurt Ellie, whether either of them is aware of it or not.
I think my past - which you know about and I'm not going to go in to here - gives me a perspective that might not have fully settled in on you. I hope you don't feel like I'm talking down to you when I say that.
I think one of the heaviest burdens of a parent is to find the fine line between protecting your child's heart and *over*protecting them so they're too sheltered and naive for their own good. I would suggest you err on the side of overprotection. Even when a parent is not the one hurting a child in some way, when a child is hurt and the parent doesn't come to their rescue or doesn't stand up for them and show the child they're valued, the damage goes deep.
Obviously we're not talking about extreme situations here, but I think it's something to think about. If you decide you're making mountains out of molehills about the things Grandma says, then just let it roll off. But if you really think Ellie could take things like "I only like you when you're good enough" into her heart, you need to consider confronting her.
Jen
First, off thanks for inviting me to this conversation.
To the topic at hand, I have some opinions. I must confess that I am a commenter on my own children's behavior. I could easily seem myself saying (slightly modified forms of) the same things that grandma says. My modifications would be:
"Wow, you sure are wiggly today!"
"You sure are strong willed, aren't you?"
"I don't think I like it when you're grumpy."
I frequently say "Boy, you're a grump today!" So, obviously, I have no issue with it.
When I make these comments, I'm basically recognizing that I really can't change the behavior. But I do think it's important for my children to hear (in a loving way) that this behavior is not acceptable. My comments are meant to convey this message: I have an opinion on your behavior. You would be wise to consider listening to it.
Additionally, they help me to avoid saying really stupid things like: "Stop being so wiggly", or "Stop being so grumpy". Those commands are completely unenforceable. When I try to control something that I have no control over, I make my words meaningless. I really don't want my words to be meaningless. Especially when the "stupid teenager gene" (which they got from me) kicks in. So, instead I comment. And I hope that my comments convey my opinion while still giving them the choice of the behavior.
But, of course, the key to this is that it has to be delivered lovingly. I can't say it in a way that makes them feel that that I don't unconditionally love them. Instead it has to speak only to their behavior. When I fail at that, is when I end up bruising my children's ego. Generally, that's something that can be repaired, but that takes extra time.
As to the conversation with grandma, I do think you should have it. I would encourage you to find out what drives the comments. Is she trying to be judgemental about your children? Or is she trying to help them but doing it in a way that is grating to you. If it's the latter, then maybe you can discuss ways that she can help that would irritate you less. My $0.02: use lots of "I feel" statements.
What do you think? Am I off my rocker?
Thank you. I thought about what you wrote and I definitely think I need to bring it up if it continues. If for no other reason than to make Grandma aware of her comments. Maybe she just doesn't hear herself when she says them? It's definitely not the extreme case, like you're talking about, but I liked that you said to err on "over protective" so that the child feels valued.
MJH - I think you bring up a good point. I think I should ask her what her intentions are when she makes comments like that and try to come up with a better way of saying what she needs to say without it grading on me. I can think of a lot of examples that don't bother me and I can't really put my finger on why one comment upsets me when another does not. I'll have to give that some more thought. I'll also have to try to pay attention to if she's commenting on her bahavior or her personally. That makes a difference.
As far as the "I feel" comments, my mom certainly stressed that when we were growing up. It'll be kind of funny to use it on her. =)
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