I think in this point in time, if there is one rule we must stick to with Ellie, it's:
DO NOT MESS WITH THE SCHEDULE!
Seriously, as long as you keep her from getting tired or hungry, she's really quite a pleasant little person to be with, but stray from the schedule by 15 or 30 minutes and you're asking for trouble. Stray by an hour and everyone is miserable. I say this as a pre-req for the venting session I'm about to embark upon. Most people are willing to stick to the schedule, acknowledging that we don't do it just for fun.
In fact, when I was telling the family about the general schedule, the conversation went something like this:
Mommy: Ellie usually does best if we stick to a general schedule. She usually wakes up at 6 or 7 and goes down for a nap around 12:30 and sleeps until 2:30 or 3:00. She usually eats dinner between 5 and 6 and then goes to bed at 7:30. If we keep her from getting hungry or tired, life is much more enjoyable.
Grandma: Oh really? That strict?
Mommy: Yeah, I realize that most people make fun of us for sticking to a schedule...
Grandpa: (interrupting) We're those people.
Mommy: (ignoring Grandpa's comment)... but really at this age, it's easiest for Ellie....
Grandpa: (interrupting) We're those people.
Mommy: (acknowledging he said something) I know. Anyway, she just can't emotionally handle herself if she's hungry or tired.
Grandma: Oh. I guess it's better to not mess with fire.
Anyway, I will be posting pictures from our trip to the beach soon, along with the happy-go-lucky stories that can be shared with all. In the mean time, you'll have to settle for the true gossip. Yay!
Though it started off well, over all the trip to the beach just got more and more frustrating. It was the first time when I felt like family members did very little to try to include Ellie in activities. Some examples:
Mommy: (Upon arriving after a long day of traveling) What's the plan for dinner?
Grandpa: Oh, we don't really have anything planned. We could go out and buy something to cook.
Mommy: Oh, well we really need to get food in this little girl's tummy as quickly as possible. How about we just go out?
Grandpa: Do you really want to go out and spend that kind of money? We could go to the store and buy burgers and bring them back to cook.
Mommy: That will take a long time. (It's too bad you didn't buy the stuff while waiting for us to show up. Grrr.) We'll pay for dinner.
Grandpa: Huff puff. I suppose we could go to a pub down the street. Is anyone even hungry yet, though?
Mommy: Ellie would you like fruit salad for dinner?
Ellie: Yeah!
Mommy: Do you want to help Mommy make it?
Ellie: Yeah!
Grandpa: Uh... maybe we could just give her her own fruit to play with and not have her mess with the food for others?
Mommy: Of course we'll wash our hands first, right Ellie?
Ellie: Yeah! I wash ands and elp fruit salad! Nummy Nummy!
Grandpa: No, I think it would be better for all if we just set aside some fruit for her.
Grandma: I was hoping we could all eat dinner together tonight!
Mommy: Well Ellie typically eats around 5:00 or 6:00.
Grandma: I'm not going to be hungry that early, so let's plan on dinner around 7:30 or 8:00.
Mommy: Fine, but Ellie needs to eat sooner and we'll be putting her to bed at that time.
Grandma: Well I was really hoping we could all eat together. It should be ok because Ellie is used to being two hours behind us. We're on East-Coast time here, you know (no S#!+ Sherlock!).
Mommy: Yes, but she wakes up to the East Coast sunrise, so the time change doesn't matter.
Grandma: Ok, so we'll eat dinner around 7:30 or 8:00.
The above example repeated most days. Whenever we would decide to try to push Ellie's dinner and bedtime off a little bit, Ellie would have emotional hunger and tired driven breakdowns, to which we would get responses like the following:
Grandma: What is her problem today? Why is she so upset? What is her problem?
Grandpa: Well, if you want to teach her that crying is acceptable then go ahead and try to calm her down. If that's the lesson you want her to learn.
UGH, people! Don't you realize that she wouldn't even be upset in the first place if she wasn't so hungry and so tired????
Mommy: The guys are out fishing. What are your plans for the afternoon?
Aunt A: We're going to go shopping.
Mommy: Are you by chance taking the car or the bikes so that Ellie and I can join?
Aunt A: Nope. It's just the three of us (Aunt G, Grandma and Aunt A) so we're going to walk.
Mommy: Oh. Ok. I guess Ellie and I will stay here for the next few hours and play games by ourselves.
Aunt A: Ok. Have fun.
Daddy: We'd like to mix up activities a little since Ellie is somewhat terrified of the water. Maybe we could go to the playground with her?
Grandma: Well, I suppose, but I'd really like to accomplish more than just the playground in the afternoon.
Daddy: Well Ellie usually wakes from her nap around 3 and eats around 5 or 6. That doesn't leave a lot of time to accomplish much more than one activity.
Grandma: Huff puff.
Daddy: Let's just see how it goes.
Grandma: Ok. We can probably put in an hour or two at the beach before dinner, too.
Mommy: We'd like to get away for a little while to take some belly shots. We're going to finally take you up on your offer to watch Ellie for us (they offered, but kept coming up with reasons why "now just isn't good").
Grandma: I suppose now is as good of a time as any.
Mommy: Yes, especially since we leave tomorrow morning and are running out of opportunities.
Grandma: Huff. Puff. Ok, but when do you think you'll be back?
Mommy: 15-20 minutes.
Grandma: Oh, is that all? Sure! Go! Take a break! You deserve one!
I guess I'm a little naive. In my mind, these are family members who do not get to spend nearly as much time with Ellie as they would like, nor as much as we'd like them to be able to, so when the opportunity presents itself I would expect them to try to work around Ellie's abilities to join in on an activity. We were very disappointed in the lack of opportunities to get pictures of Ellie with her aunts (absolutely no opportunities came up because they did NOTHING together) and disappointed in feeling like we had to force and remind the grandparents to participate in something with her. Heck, I felt like my friends (who have no family-relationship to Ellie) include her better than these particular family members. It was sad.
And that's not even the frustrations I had that weren't Ellie-related. It was the first time I got a good glimpse of how the boys (Daddy and his brother) were treated with different standards than the girls (the step sisters). It's unfair and just plain rude, and even I got infuriated about it when I normally just shrug off the topic.
Sigh. This is the most frustrated I've ever been with how family members have interacted with Ellie (or in this case, the lack thereof). Thanks for the vent, internet! =)
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9 comments:
That sucks! I don't know what I'd do in that situation. Probably vent on the internet, too! The part that would be most frustrating is the feeling of not being heard at all!
If it were me, I'd probably have a heart 2 heart w/each person individually. I'd have to practice on my wife first so that I made sure I used "I feel" statements and didn't get mad. (My wife gets emotional by crying. I get mad.)
Good luck!
wow. Well, you survived. :) I think it's very insightful of you to understand your girl so well. If others don't get it, then they don't. But the important thing is that her parents DO.
I spoke to my hubby more about this yesterday to determine the level of his frustration to see if it warranted a talk with the grandparents. He definitely was of the opinion that it was just because these grandparents have had very little time with Ellie. Even my father (who lives in OK) has spent twice as much time with Ellie as his father. He reminded me that we've had similar frustrations with many family members just not being aware of what it's like to spend time with Ellie, but the difference is that this set of grandparents went through the process much later than the others.
I'm sure that he's right and that is a big contributor... but I'm not convinced that it was the only one.
wow, that is frustrating. I've seen this happen at family events of my own and it always amazes me when people don't "get" that parents keep schedules because they WORK. I like how you said you're not doing it just for fun!
My mom once wisely said that if I ever had a baby, the way to keep them happy was to make sure their needs are met. Like, make sure they're not hungry or tired - those are top challenges. People are oblivious and then wonder why kids break down. My mom is exceptionally good with kids though. I don't think most people realize this.
I wonder if you can head some of this off next time by announcing that Ellie will be eating at her regular time, and then just plan for that. And then, if you want to join other people for dinner, you can compromise and have someone watch her after she goes to sleep and join the others for dinner, even if it's after they start? Maybe that's a workaround?
My sister had a heart-to-heart talk with me after her first daughter was born. She said she felt I was not acting enough like an "aunt." I heard her and, while it stung, it was really because I was scared and confused of my role and how to be "good enough." I didn't know how to be an aunt. I did try harder after that talk, fumbling sometimes but now I have a great relationship with her kids.
Maybe you could make this easier on them by outlining what you'd like them to participate in, like "it's important to me that we nurture family relationships, and I'd like to join you with Ellie on your walk/shopping/etc. or have you enjoy some downtime with Ellie." And then define downtime, like 20 minutes of play a day, or something.
One other thing - my sister is very good at asking for what she needs. She startles people, but she still does it. If she needed our dad to have food ready and cooking, she would ask him. And my dad's forthright enough that he'd say yay or nay, but at least that would be an honest exchange with no busted expectations.
Spleeness, I loved your comment and suggestions! Now I just have to remember to re-read your words before the next time I spend time with out-of-state family! Thanks!
Wow! How aggravating! Sounds like Groundhogs day with the in-laws. "Yes Ellie needs to eat again at 5:30 today. Yes Again." A is the same way with her schedule.
My husbands parents are more in tune with kids (both work at elementary schools) but my folks are learning. A heart-to-heart sounds great if you think they would get it... I have to admit I have my doubts. If they don't get that many opportunities to practice-- the lesson may take a while to really mean anything. I don't think I got it before I had our daughter either.
I do like spleeness's script suggestion though- that might have gotten through to my kid naive brain, especially defining what that means. I would add a line though like, "She doesn't have that many chances to get to know you and I really want her to know you. She's little so you don't have to do anything spectacular- it's the day to day sitting around, going to the grocery store stuff that means a lot to her... and to me."
I've never had a conversation like that with any family member yet, but I think it's a good one to have. I never really thought about approaching a solution from that standpoint.
Thanks guys!
Sigh. I feel your pain.
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