I'm reaching out to you in trying to determine what should be expected here... Tell me which position you lean towards:
Position 1:
When a family member offers to take Ellie for a period of time (whether it be an afternoon, a day or even a few days), it should be assumed that the agreed upon duration will be carried out. Plans are made with a given available time in mind. No returning Ellie unexpectedly early.
Position 2:
Ultimately Ellie is our responsibility and thus we have no reason to complain if she returns from a visit earlier than expected. Whatever duration she ends up staying away makes for a nice break and should be appreciated as is, even if we need to cut our plans short. Ellie can be exhausting for anyone and possibly more so on those who aren't around her all the time.
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7 comments:
I vote for position 1. Dropping off the child earlier than agreed upon is lame. If you can't do it-- don't agree to it! It's true that any amount of time is appreciated-- however that gift of 1 hour is soured if the original promise had been 3 hours. In fact, it makes things so complicated that I'd rather not agree to it if the interaction has to be that complicated. Who has time for that kind of hassle. It's like, "Would you like 2 hours of free time and possibly 10 hours of awkward interaction if I flake?" Um, no thanks.
Well, I'm not sure myself. I'd lean towards two but not necessarily conclude it's because Ellie is too much to handle. I once offered to watch a girlfriend's two babies while they were at a movie, and then proceeded to have one of the worst heart palpitation episodes I'd ever had. I couldn't cut the visit short because there was no choice but I was scared because I couldn't make it stop and it was making me sick. I didn't want to turn the visit into a big scary thing for the kids and thus didn't tell anyone or seek help and I didn't want my friend to feel bad so didn't tell her either. Plus by the time I did see her, it was over. However, I didn't offer to watch them again in the same scenario.
I am a fan of flexibility in general. Maybe the visit was cut short because one party didn't feel up to it, or maybe they made a commitment that they didn't realize was unrealistic, but I'd cut them some slack. I would also feel annoyed, and allow myself that. It's ok to be grateful and irritated at the same time.
I can imagine the logistics are difficult though and it's ok to ask if they foresee the visit length changing b/c you need to know for planning's sake. And maybe have a plan B just in case.
Let me preface this by saying that I don't think you are unreasonable people, so I'm pretty sure you have a right to be upset. On the other hand, not knowing the situation and therefore speaking on more general terms I think it's a bit of 1 and 2.
So obviously I'm pea green jealous, but the fact that people are even offering sounds pretty awesome. Of course that doesn't mean you don't have the right to complain when it doesn't work out, because you totally do! The first time I left G other than being having surgery or having O was to see my mom in January. So, he was almost 6, Jason was the one taking care of him, and I still had O with me. Jealousjealousjealous. (We actually had a couple's weekend planned over T-day but of course that didn't work out. Sigh. One day.)
You stated it was a family member, so then it comes down to the actual situation. Who needed it to end early? If it was E, then you need to suck it up. If it was the caregiver, well then most likely they have some sucking to do. Was it because they honestly couldn't handle, or because it just wasn't as fun as they'd envisioned? Unless they become ill or something big and unexpected happens, any adult who is able to offer childcare should also be able to cope for a day and honor the commitment they've made. But then again if they commit to something like 2 days/1 night when all they've ever done before is 4 hours, then things get a little murky.
I know that for myself, even as a mom, it was super stressful to watch friend's kids for even a few hours until I got the hang of it. While I was somewhat confident in parenting my own child, it was far harder especially when their family may have different house rules. OTHO, in most of those situations, the hard ones, I wasn't offering, I was barely being asked, which often left me slightly annoyed from the start. It was more like "hey, you're a sahm and I need childcare." The one positive thing I can say is that by 4 or 5 it becomes sooo much easier and it's not nearly as big of a deal like it is at 2 or 3.
As Spleeness said, it's okay to be grateful and irritated at the same time. Though in your situation I think it probably okay to just be just irriated, and only grateful for those times when the commitment has been fulfilled.
Hugs!
Hearing the rest of your background on it, I can see why this is frustrating. And it's nice that you are clearly appreciative, even though her sudden change of hearts leave little time to prepare. Because it's happened more than once, I'd have a shorter fuse than if it was just one time.
Maybe you can take back some of the control around these scenarios and say something like (next time she offers to watch and says she'll bring E back by bedtime), say "ok, so let's pin down a time so I can make sure I'm home by then." A range is ok, say, between 6 and 7.
If I lived closer, I'd love to take E for some playtime. She's adorable! That's one of the reasons I got so excited about her and Kailey meeting, but that'll be for some other time. :) (I'll just be careful not to do it when it's 100 degrees out & strenuous work is involved - that's what triggered my palpitation). (The next time I did watch my friend's kids, it was in an air-conditioned house!)
Dear N!ffer's Mom,
NOT COOL! SO NOT COOL!!!
Respectfully,
Heidi
Thank you all for your answers! It has been interesting to see the different perspectives and it's been good for me.
A little more background... The family member in question is my mom.
The plus side:
1. She offers to take Ellie quite often - by far more than anyone else.
2. She often even offers to take her over night and sometimes for multiple nights.
This obviously gives us wonderful breaks and is really nice.
The negative side:
1. She almost always returns Ellie sooner than she says she will. "I'll bring her back at her bedtime" often results in us getting her back at 6:00. "I'll keep her for 2 nights" often ends with us getting her mid-day before the second night.
2. She almost always returns her with no warning. "I'm on my way down the hill... meet me part-way in 20 minutes" or "We're back home now. Where are you?" when we weren't expecting Ellie to be back until morning.
Obviously this is annoying because we often (but not always) make plans according to the original time frame my mom commits to.
The incident that sparked me actually writing about it, though, was when we returned from Paris. We returned Tuesday night and Mom had committed to keeping her that night and bringing her to daycare the following morning. We were tired from traveling and had been up for 24ish hours. My legs were super swollen and I was pregnant and grumpy. We arrived home to find that Grandma and Ellie were there. Ellie was asleep but was woken up while we were trying to give Grandma enough info about our trip while trying to keep it short so we could go to sleep. In the end, I slept the entire night with Ellie because we were too tired to deal with it. We just weren't prepared to have to take that on. If we knew that she'd be home when we got home from our long day of traveling, we could have mentally prepared for it.
I guess it's the surprise endings with little warning that annoy us the most, but I do acknowledge that my mom offers to take Ellie pretty often and I'm grateful for that.
Seriously, Spleeness, it means a lot to me to hear people say they'd like to spend time with Ellie. That sort of comment is expected from family, but not necessarily other grown-ups. Thank you so much for the compliment!
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