Yes, Jen, it's because of you that I am writing this post. However, you're not completely to blame, so don't be too hard on yourself.
The truth is that since Michael and I are starting to try for the next one (shhh! no one knows... lol) then things like this have been on my mind a lot lately. I wonder what things will be different for the next child, which will be better and which will be worse? In the category of "it has to be better next time" I put this:
The plan when Ellie was born was for my mom to come out to be in MD for the birth. She was going to take a long road trip with her sister, we'll call her Aunt B and end up in MD in time for Baby Vincent's arrival. As it turned out, Ellie came early (what? a baby not born on its due date???) and so my mom's long road trip ended up being a rush across the nation. She was four hours late and then had to wait in the lobby another hour for visiting hours to open. Moving on...
This meant that Aunt B had a unplanned week-long vacation in MD because her flight was scheduled the day after the due date (we had to make a guess, didn't we?). During the week my mom and Aunt B cleaned the house from top to bottom. It was very nice to come home from the hospital to a clean house.
I wish I could say the same about coming home to Aunt B visiting. My aunt was bored. She kept insisting that my mom to play Tour Guide and take her places like the Mall in DC or Gettysburg. My poor mom just wanted to spend time with her new grand daughter, but it wasn't until Aunt B decided that she needed a hair cut and wanted Mom to drive her that she finally put her foot down.
I wish I could say that was the only reason Aunt B was hard on us that week.
A little bit of background: During that time, my mom insisted that neither Michael nor I do any work around the house. She did all the dishes, cleaning and laundry. She wanted to be as helpful as possible and I really appreciated her effort.
More background: Breastfeeding did NOT go well for us. I was one of those mothers who was taken by surprise at how difficult it was, thinking that it should be one of the most natural things! Because of this, we didn't want to introduce pacifiers or bottles to the baby until we had the breastfeeding down.
Now for the story: Ellie starts to cry. Mommy and Daddy jump up to go get her, but my mom tells us to sit back down and she would get Ellie this time. We did. She got Ellie and couldn't calm her down. Aunt B wanted to help so she reached for the pacifier and headed towards the baby.
Mommy and Daddy told her that they didn't want pacifiers until breast feeding was going smoothly. Aunt B definitely had the attitude of "I've done this 2 times and I know better than you" so she jammed the pacifier into Ellie's mouth.
Now, I admit that we probably over-reacted. It would not have been a huge deal if the pacifier was in Ellie's mouth for the 30 seconds it would take to calmly walk over and remove it. However, we were tired and sleep deprived. And annoyed.
When Michael reached for the pacifier, Aunt B took it and held it away from it in a "you can't get it" sort of fashion. At this point, Michael storms upstairs and slams the door. I take the baby and try to calm her down.
Aunt B goes upstairs for what I assume is to apologize for her actions. I later found out otherwise.
Aunt B walked into our bedroom (she did not knock but did open the door herself):
Aunt B: You need to calm down.
Michael: Please leave.
Aunt B: I'm not going to leave until you calm down.
Michael: You need to leave.
Aunt B: You're a father now! Act like one. You are a father now and you need to step up and take more responsibility. You haven't been doing any work around the house since you got home. (my mom) has been doing all the dishes and laundry while you've been laid back on the couch. You're a father now and it's time for you to step up and take responsibility as one.
Needless to say Michael had to go for a walk after that.
In the wise words of my friend, Jen: Who does that???
Who says things like that to someone in their own house? Heck, who says something like that in their own MASTER BEDROOM?
Anyway, without lingering on the topic any further, we'll just say that it was a very difficult couple of weeks for us, in more ways than just being new parents. I'm willing to bet, though, that this falls under the category of "It will be better next time" because we're in CO now. Anyone who wants to help, can come over and help, but they also have their own homes to go back for the night. It will make a big difference.
PS. In case it came across that I wasn't thankful for my mom being there, that was not the case at all. I really appreciated everything my mom did for us. It was just the unexpected additional guest that made the house feel very full.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Did you hear the one where...
Did I ever tell you the story about the family frustration that was the first week or so of Ellie's life? No? Oh, then let me tell you a story...
After these messages, we'll be riiight back!
After these messages, we'll be riiight back!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
After all, it's family
Long story short (or so I will try):
We're hosting Christmas this year for the first time ever. We want to start making our own family traditions for the holiday. However, my mom has offered to help cook. She called and asked if she could invite my aunt (and her husband and son) over for Christmas. We don't like her much (feel free to ask for details on why). On top of that, with Michael traveling so much lately and it being the holidays, he feels like it has been forever since he's had the house to himself and thus isn't really in a social mood.
So... on one hand, she's family. And it's the holidays. No matter what our feelings of her are, she's still family. We should invite her, right?
On the other hand, don't the holidays mean more when you're spending it with those who are closest to you and with whom you enjoy spending time?
So, what would you do? I'd be interested to know if you came to the same conclusion as me. Go!
We're hosting Christmas this year for the first time ever. We want to start making our own family traditions for the holiday. However, my mom has offered to help cook. She called and asked if she could invite my aunt (and her husband and son) over for Christmas. We don't like her much (feel free to ask for details on why). On top of that, with Michael traveling so much lately and it being the holidays, he feels like it has been forever since he's had the house to himself and thus isn't really in a social mood.
So... on one hand, she's family. And it's the holidays. No matter what our feelings of her are, she's still family. We should invite her, right?
On the other hand, don't the holidays mean more when you're spending it with those who are closest to you and with whom you enjoy spending time?
So, what would you do? I'd be interested to know if you came to the same conclusion as me. Go!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Ellie misses Daddy
Having Daddy travel is getting harder for us. Ellie is getting easier to handle, but she's also getting to the age where she actually misses him when he's not around. Up until this trip, she would ask about him and be ok with whatever explanation I told her about why he wasn't here.
But this trip is different. Maybe it's because he *just* got back from a trip and wasn't home for long before leaving. Whatever the reason, she complained a lot when I told her that Daddy wasn't here and that he would be home soon.
To make it worse, I asked her if she wanted to talk to Daddy on the phone. When she finally made the connection, she got a real kick out of talking to him. She would answer his questions. Then I made the mistake of suggesting that he sing her a song. She kept asking for more whenever he was done. She did NOT want to hang up the phone and was crying when Daddy finally had to go (he did repeat the song close to 5 times).
Luckily she calmed down soon after hanging up the phone, which was a surprise considering the fight she put up for not ending the conversation. I offered to hold her and she sat on my lap again. Then she reached for the phone and asked to call Gapa.
But there for a few minutes, I was crying with her. It's a good thing he won't be traveling again for a while. I know it's even harder on him.
But this trip is different. Maybe it's because he *just* got back from a trip and wasn't home for long before leaving. Whatever the reason, she complained a lot when I told her that Daddy wasn't here and that he would be home soon.
To make it worse, I asked her if she wanted to talk to Daddy on the phone. When she finally made the connection, she got a real kick out of talking to him. She would answer his questions. Then I made the mistake of suggesting that he sing her a song. She kept asking for more whenever he was done. She did NOT want to hang up the phone and was crying when Daddy finally had to go (he did repeat the song close to 5 times).
Luckily she calmed down soon after hanging up the phone, which was a surprise considering the fight she put up for not ending the conversation. I offered to hold her and she sat on my lap again. Then she reached for the phone and asked to call Gapa.
But there for a few minutes, I was crying with her. It's a good thing he won't be traveling again for a while. I know it's even harder on him.
Never enough time
This sad topic has been on my mind ever since Spleeness wrote about it, but now that a friend of mine is going through something similar with a loved one, I guess I should get off my butt and write about it.
I'm sure everyone does it - imagines what it would be like if they were to die. Would your loved ones be OK? How long would it take for them to recover? Who would go to my funeral? Would there be people there I wouldn't expect? Would my feelings be hurt by those who were absent? It's not a fun topic to linger on, but I'm sure everyone has had dreams related to it. For me, though, though the dreams were sad, it seemed like my subconscious was approaching it from a curiosity standpoint.
The next level would be to dream about what it would be like if a family member were to pass away. Of course, it would come unexpected, right? And what was my last conversation with them like? Did I remember to tell them I love them? I totally should have taken the time to have dinner with them last week! I thought I had more time. There is never enough time. In all honesty, I've been grateful to not have to deal with this (the closest I came to was the death of grandparents, which is something you kind of see coming), so I know I can't speak to what it would be like. All I know is that I always wake from these dreams with tears streaming down my face and wishing the days didn't go by as quickly as they do.
Then there is the next step, one which I experienced more, the dream (I guess nightmare would be more appropriate) of what it would be like to lose that all-important person in your life. Your soul-mate. Oh my god. Since meeting Michael, you have no idea how many times I have had this dream and it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. My subconscious knows that this would just break me, so these dreams are filled with raging emotions. From these dreams I find myself waking in tears, but also rage. I'm not sure how to describe the rage. I guess it comes from a feeling of being utterly lost.
Finally, there comes the dreams of losing a child. This is one that I've had a lot in recent months and I'm not sure how to interpret my reactions. Unlike the previous forms of nightmares, in this case I wake up empty. Like life isn't worth continuing. Like my sunshine is gone and thus there is no reason to get out of bed. It takes me a while to realize it was just a dream, much longer than the other scenarios. But the thing that pops out the most with these dreams is the numbness that I feel. I don't wake up with tears, though my eyes feel like they've cried until all their moisture is gone. I wake up with black circles under my eyes, as if I hadn't slept in days. In a nutshell, I wake up like a zombie.
I have been fortunate in that I haven't had to say good bye to many people in my life, and I've always known that it would be difficult if I did. However, it hasn't been until recently that I even imagined my life without Ellie. I'm sure losing my soul mate would break me, but having Ellie there would probably rescue me from my despair. However, I'm not sure what would be able to pull me out of the zombie state I would be in if something were to happen to her.
My apologies for the serious post. It's just that it's been on my mind lately and I find it somewhat interesting (and scary) that my reaction to my dreams about Ellie is so different than the others.
I'm sure everyone does it - imagines what it would be like if they were to die. Would your loved ones be OK? How long would it take for them to recover? Who would go to my funeral? Would there be people there I wouldn't expect? Would my feelings be hurt by those who were absent? It's not a fun topic to linger on, but I'm sure everyone has had dreams related to it. For me, though, though the dreams were sad, it seemed like my subconscious was approaching it from a curiosity standpoint.
The next level would be to dream about what it would be like if a family member were to pass away. Of course, it would come unexpected, right? And what was my last conversation with them like? Did I remember to tell them I love them? I totally should have taken the time to have dinner with them last week! I thought I had more time. There is never enough time. In all honesty, I've been grateful to not have to deal with this (the closest I came to was the death of grandparents, which is something you kind of see coming), so I know I can't speak to what it would be like. All I know is that I always wake from these dreams with tears streaming down my face and wishing the days didn't go by as quickly as they do.
Then there is the next step, one which I experienced more, the dream (I guess nightmare would be more appropriate) of what it would be like to lose that all-important person in your life. Your soul-mate. Oh my god. Since meeting Michael, you have no idea how many times I have had this dream and it makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. My subconscious knows that this would just break me, so these dreams are filled with raging emotions. From these dreams I find myself waking in tears, but also rage. I'm not sure how to describe the rage. I guess it comes from a feeling of being utterly lost.
Finally, there comes the dreams of losing a child. This is one that I've had a lot in recent months and I'm not sure how to interpret my reactions. Unlike the previous forms of nightmares, in this case I wake up empty. Like life isn't worth continuing. Like my sunshine is gone and thus there is no reason to get out of bed. It takes me a while to realize it was just a dream, much longer than the other scenarios. But the thing that pops out the most with these dreams is the numbness that I feel. I don't wake up with tears, though my eyes feel like they've cried until all their moisture is gone. I wake up with black circles under my eyes, as if I hadn't slept in days. In a nutshell, I wake up like a zombie.
I have been fortunate in that I haven't had to say good bye to many people in my life, and I've always known that it would be difficult if I did. However, it hasn't been until recently that I even imagined my life without Ellie. I'm sure losing my soul mate would break me, but having Ellie there would probably rescue me from my despair. However, I'm not sure what would be able to pull me out of the zombie state I would be in if something were to happen to her.
My apologies for the serious post. It's just that it's been on my mind lately and I find it somewhat interesting (and scary) that my reaction to my dreams about Ellie is so different than the others.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Update
I will be writing another post on my "public" blog regarding this topic, but as a quick update -
It depends on who you talk to. Michael seems to think that the only reason my sister is upset about us talking about the next baby because she wants to be around and present in the baby's life. I hope he's right.
But there is something deeper telling me he's not. She brought up the topic many times (mostly in passing) this weekend. Every time she did, we didn't linger on it. I didn't defend ourselves or even talk about our reasons (which is why I'll be writing another post soon), but I felt like she wouldn't have brought it up so many times if she wasn't upset about it. There is just something there that tells me she is upset because of reasons having to do with her not having a baby of her own at this point in time.
But at least she didn't pry for reasons from us. She brought it up often, but we were pretty quick to move on each time it came up. I'm sure she played a part in not lingering on the topic.
In her defense, though, Michael's comments got me thinking. And as it stands now... if we stick to "our plan" and my sister sticks to her plan to move back - then she will miss the same exact period of time in the next baby's life as she did for Ellie when we were in MD. It's funny how coincidences pop up in life, isn't it?
It depends on who you talk to. Michael seems to think that the only reason my sister is upset about us talking about the next baby because she wants to be around and present in the baby's life. I hope he's right.
But there is something deeper telling me he's not. She brought up the topic many times (mostly in passing) this weekend. Every time she did, we didn't linger on it. I didn't defend ourselves or even talk about our reasons (which is why I'll be writing another post soon), but I felt like she wouldn't have brought it up so many times if she wasn't upset about it. There is just something there that tells me she is upset because of reasons having to do with her not having a baby of her own at this point in time.
But at least she didn't pry for reasons from us. She brought it up often, but we were pretty quick to move on each time it came up. I'm sure she played a part in not lingering on the topic.
In her defense, though, Michael's comments got me thinking. And as it stands now... if we stick to "our plan" and my sister sticks to her plan to move back - then she will miss the same exact period of time in the next baby's life as she did for Ellie when we were in MD. It's funny how coincidences pop up in life, isn't it?
Thursday, December 4, 2008
It was bound to happen eventually
I created this blog to post the things that I thought would have possibility of upsetting my family, but I guess I knew that eventually I would mess up. Note that I announced our decision to try for another baby soon, only I announced it on my other blog (I meant to put that here).
Let's just hope that all the text messages my sister has sent to my phone are spoken in a joking manner... I see her tonight, so I guess I'll find out soon how upset she really is or is not.
Let's just hope that all the text messages my sister has sent to my phone are spoken in a joking manner... I see her tonight, so I guess I'll find out soon how upset she really is or is not.
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