After reading Heidi's comment to my previous post I knew I had to write again.
My sincere apologies for sounding as petty as I did. When I reread my post, I could see that it did not reflect the feelings I had intended to vent. Heidi is right, my post complaining about being able to afford to save for the future when there are so many people trying to make ends meet sounds as petty as "weekly manicures and elective cosmetic surgery." Shame on you, N!ffer!
I am sorry.
I think in regards to the way Heidi took my post, the only solution I can think of is to come up with a better phrase than "I can't afford to..." because if you look at it in a black and white fashion, yes I CAN afford to. I do not see it as black and white as Heidi does, but I also do not want to insult those I choose to vent to. So maybe in the future I should choose words like "I choose not to..."??? Is that any better? That sounds self-righteous to me. Maybe there just isn't a solution.
However, my post yesterday was not intended to compare my inability to "afford" something to the inability for those who struggle more than I do to afford the same thing, or even something more basic.
No, it was intended as a vent against my own family members. Both my mom and sister are capable of having a financially sound lifestyle, but due to poor spending habits they do not. My vent was intended towards them and towards the fact that they feel like I'd be in the same boat if it weren't for Michael. My mom once made A LOT of money but chose to do nothing to save for her retirement. Now she's "suffering" by having to continue to work and "make ends meet." My sister makes good money too but has A TON of credit card debt that she needs to pay off.
It's comments from these types of people that get to me. They sometimes act as though I have no reason to hesitate on buying a chai on a whim, or buying a piece of clothing that happens to be on sale. These people look at what they're spending and focus on how they *COULD* be spending more. I look at what I'm spending and focus on how I *COULD* be spending less. It's a different attitude on money.
And it's a difference that is costing all of us. It's costing them because they have to now deal with the consequences of their poor decisions, and it's costing me for having to justify my spending (or lack there of) on a semi-regular basis. It's annoying to me to have my mom and sister assume that I can afford to buy something above and beyond the basics, when it's those specific spending habits that have gotten them into the situations they have found themselves in.
Does that make sense? Does that make my vent any better or less petty? I hope so. Like I said before, I know how fortunate we are but I feel like part of that has to do with our spending habits. My mom and sister *COULD* be just as "fortunate" as we are but sometimes they make what I consider to be stupid decisions instead. I just get so tired of having to defend myself for not making the same mistakes (large or small).
Many hugs to anyone I might have insulted - it was not my intention at all.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
We're fortunate, not rich
Let me just say that I have always thought that Michael and I are very fortunate. We were lucky to both leave college with great degrees and no debt. Though we make good money, I've never considered us to be "rich" because our day-to-day expenses are pretty low. The rest of our money gets saved - we don't live like we make a lot of money. Maybe we are "rich" BECAUSE we CAN save so much? Who knows.
What I do know, though, is that I get tired of the comments we often get from my family regarding money. I say "I can't afford to stay at home and not work" (not saying that's the only reason to choose not to be a stay-at-home mom) only to have a family member return with "You know that's not true. You could definitely afford to stay home." The tricky thing about that is neither statement is wrong. It's all a matter of how you define "afford" and where you want your money to go. Yes, I could stay at home but then we wouldn't be able to save for college. We wouldn't be able to save for an early retirement. We wouldn't be able to donate so much to charity. And daycare is anything BUT cheap. But you're right - if it weren't for all those things, we could "afford" to do it.
I guess I get tired of the small comments I get from family members whenever I choose to not spend $3.00 on a Starbucks chai. Or whenever I choose to not buy a cute pair of $60 shoes that happen to be on sale for 50% off. It's like it annoys them that I try to watch my spending. And it annoys me that they think I can spend like I have no worries.
What annoys me the most is that they assume it's all Michael's doing. It's Michael who is the one pushing the budget on me or it's Michael who says we have to save for the future. Without Michael, I would probably have spending habits similar to my sister's. That's bull$#!+.
Sure, before we got together, I didn't have a "formal" budget. Neither did he. I spent a lot less than I made and was saving money well, even if I didn't have the funds allocated to certain end goals like real estate or car. I'm not sure what made us become more... um... fiscally organized when we came together (maybe it was realizing how much we want to do in our lives together?) but it was both of our doing. I get some of the credit.
And it's not a bad thing to be the way we are, is it? I'm guessing that there are many families out there who wish they could save more than they can. I'm guessing there are plenty of people out there who spend more than they make, regardless of how many digits their salary has in it. It's a balance, people. And it's not like we never "live in the moment" either. We've gone on quite a few trips to Europe and plan fun little outings together. We splurge - we just splurge on items that mean a lot to us.
I wish I didn't feel so defensive. I shouldn't have to be.
What I do know, though, is that I get tired of the comments we often get from my family regarding money. I say "I can't afford to stay at home and not work" (not saying that's the only reason to choose not to be a stay-at-home mom) only to have a family member return with "You know that's not true. You could definitely afford to stay home." The tricky thing about that is neither statement is wrong. It's all a matter of how you define "afford" and where you want your money to go. Yes, I could stay at home but then we wouldn't be able to save for college. We wouldn't be able to save for an early retirement. We wouldn't be able to donate so much to charity. And daycare is anything BUT cheap. But you're right - if it weren't for all those things, we could "afford" to do it.
I guess I get tired of the small comments I get from family members whenever I choose to not spend $3.00 on a Starbucks chai. Or whenever I choose to not buy a cute pair of $60 shoes that happen to be on sale for 50% off. It's like it annoys them that I try to watch my spending. And it annoys me that they think I can spend like I have no worries.
What annoys me the most is that they assume it's all Michael's doing. It's Michael who is the one pushing the budget on me or it's Michael who says we have to save for the future. Without Michael, I would probably have spending habits similar to my sister's. That's bull$#!+.
Sure, before we got together, I didn't have a "formal" budget. Neither did he. I spent a lot less than I made and was saving money well, even if I didn't have the funds allocated to certain end goals like real estate or car. I'm not sure what made us become more... um... fiscally organized when we came together (maybe it was realizing how much we want to do in our lives together?) but it was both of our doing. I get some of the credit.
And it's not a bad thing to be the way we are, is it? I'm guessing that there are many families out there who wish they could save more than they can. I'm guessing there are plenty of people out there who spend more than they make, regardless of how many digits their salary has in it. It's a balance, people. And it's not like we never "live in the moment" either. We've gone on quite a few trips to Europe and plan fun little outings together. We splurge - we just splurge on items that mean a lot to us.
I wish I didn't feel so defensive. I shouldn't have to be.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Camping with the girls
Yes. Believe it or not, we're considering going camping with the girls already, and like everything else in our lives, it seems like we can't avoid causing drama over the topic.
In a nutshell, we brought up the idea of camping with Aunt Erin's boyfriend and his two kids. We thought it could be a lot of fun to get the kids together and camping is always fun for kids. That being said, from the beginning we said we wanted something close to home (we're not lacking options - we're in CO for crying out loud) so that we could bail if things turn out horribly. With Addie only being 6 months old and Ellie still being very much a mommy's girl, we want to have at least our FIRST camping trip with them to be within a reasonable escape distance.
I don't think that's too much to ask, do you?
All through email, her boyfriend mentioned going down to the dunes as an option. That sounds like fun I said. Then we actually looked up the distance and realized it's a 4.5 hour drive so we wrote back saying it was further than we thought it was so we will plan on joining some other time. Our intention was to not deprive his family of that experience (the dunes are better in the spring because the river is still running).
I think that he understood (he has stories of bailing on a miserable camping trip when his son was about Addie's age) and asked if there was a closer place we'd want to go.
But my frustration is my sister. She feels like we initiated something and totally backed out on it. We're making things difficult when they shouldn't be. If it's a crap-shoot regardless, then why would the 4.5 hour drive make a difference. It's totally inconsiderate to back out of what was our idea in the first place.
UGH. Really? Is it REALLY that big of a deal to ask for a close camping location for our FIRST camping trip with both girls? We would be willing to try it out ourselves beforehand but the weather will probably not be warm enough that early in May (this trip is in late May).
Someone tell me I'm not being unreasonable. Someone tell me that parents, whether new orused experienced, have certain experiences they want to be cautious of. And that's ok. Tell me, please.
In a nutshell, we brought up the idea of camping with Aunt Erin's boyfriend and his two kids. We thought it could be a lot of fun to get the kids together and camping is always fun for kids. That being said, from the beginning we said we wanted something close to home (we're not lacking options - we're in CO for crying out loud) so that we could bail if things turn out horribly. With Addie only being 6 months old and Ellie still being very much a mommy's girl, we want to have at least our FIRST camping trip with them to be within a reasonable escape distance.
I don't think that's too much to ask, do you?
All through email, her boyfriend mentioned going down to the dunes as an option. That sounds like fun I said. Then we actually looked up the distance and realized it's a 4.5 hour drive so we wrote back saying it was further than we thought it was so we will plan on joining some other time. Our intention was to not deprive his family of that experience (the dunes are better in the spring because the river is still running).
I think that he understood (he has stories of bailing on a miserable camping trip when his son was about Addie's age) and asked if there was a closer place we'd want to go.
But my frustration is my sister. She feels like we initiated something and totally backed out on it. We're making things difficult when they shouldn't be. If it's a crap-shoot regardless, then why would the 4.5 hour drive make a difference. It's totally inconsiderate to back out of what was our idea in the first place.
UGH. Really? Is it REALLY that big of a deal to ask for a close camping location for our FIRST camping trip with both girls? We would be willing to try it out ourselves beforehand but the weather will probably not be warm enough that early in May (this trip is in late May).
Someone tell me I'm not being unreasonable. Someone tell me that parents, whether new or
Friday, March 26, 2010
Excuses Excuses
So my sister has been dating someone for a few months now and things are going well with them. He has a little girl who is a week older than Ellie and a little boy who recently turned one. They spend a lot of time together. I'm happy for her.
But I guess I'm also.... what's the right word? Jealous maybe?
Since she wants to spend every possible moment with him (which I can't blame her for), she ends up spending a lot of time with the kids. Recently it has started to feel like instead of doing the fun things she said she wanted to do with Ellie, she's doing them with the other girl instead.
Am I a crazy woman for being jealous of her time, on behalf of my daughter? I think the answer is yes.
When I brought it up to her, though, she told me that she felt like it was really hard to schedule things with Ellie because we're such schedule Nazis with her. I'll admit we kind of are strict about her schedule because if she doesn't sleep then she's a monster. However, I also feel like we've lightened up more than my sister is aware of.
But the more I thought about it, the less I understand how that is a valid excuse. My sister can't bake cookies with Ellie because she HAS to be in bed by 8:00. Yet, the other girl also has an 8:00 bedtime. My sister can't go swimming with Ellie because she has to be back for a nap. Yet, the other girl has the same nap time. It seems to me that both girls have the same general schedule so doesn't that mean my sister is just grabbing for excuses?
Anyway, we concluded the discussion with me reassuring my sister that Ellie is now at an age where her schedule is more flexible than before. Maybe not on a regular basis, but enough that it shouldn't detour my sister from making plans. In return, my sister assured me that she will try to spend more time with Ellie.
So I guess it's all a non-problem now, but I just had to write a brief vent about how I can't see the validity of her original excuse.
Or maybe I just had to write because I feel like this blog has been neglected for a while now. =) Do you believe me?
But I guess I'm also.... what's the right word? Jealous maybe?
Since she wants to spend every possible moment with him (which I can't blame her for), she ends up spending a lot of time with the kids. Recently it has started to feel like instead of doing the fun things she said she wanted to do with Ellie, she's doing them with the other girl instead.
Am I a crazy woman for being jealous of her time, on behalf of my daughter? I think the answer is yes.
When I brought it up to her, though, she told me that she felt like it was really hard to schedule things with Ellie because we're such schedule Nazis with her. I'll admit we kind of are strict about her schedule because if she doesn't sleep then she's a monster. However, I also feel like we've lightened up more than my sister is aware of.
But the more I thought about it, the less I understand how that is a valid excuse. My sister can't bake cookies with Ellie because she HAS to be in bed by 8:00. Yet, the other girl also has an 8:00 bedtime. My sister can't go swimming with Ellie because she has to be back for a nap. Yet, the other girl has the same nap time. It seems to me that both girls have the same general schedule so doesn't that mean my sister is just grabbing for excuses?
Anyway, we concluded the discussion with me reassuring my sister that Ellie is now at an age where her schedule is more flexible than before. Maybe not on a regular basis, but enough that it shouldn't detour my sister from making plans. In return, my sister assured me that she will try to spend more time with Ellie.
So I guess it's all a non-problem now, but I just had to write a brief vent about how I can't see the validity of her original excuse.
Or maybe I just had to write because I feel like this blog has been neglected for a while now. =) Do you believe me?
Friday, March 5, 2010
You're not my Mommy
My sister is dating a guy who has an almost 3 year old little girl and a one year old little boy. Things are going well. Yay! Potential cousins for Ellie and Addie! LOL.
The little girl likes my sister a lot and my sister has done a really good job of actively playing with her and becoming her friend.
Anyway... recently the little girl has started acting up sometimes when my sister stays over. I'm guessing it has to do with her trying to make sense of her parents getting divorce. I'm guessing that she's dealing with trying to understand who this new lady is and why Mommy is no longer in the house. Is this lady trying to take Mommy's place? Do I need to love this lady? Is it ok if I still love my Mommy? Things like that.
It breaks my heart thinking about it. I wonder how Ellie would respond if she was in a similar situation. My guess is not well.
I'd love to hear any thoughts or advice people might have for how my sister could handle the situation. I have some ideas myself but it's time for me to go home now.
Have a great weekend!
The little girl likes my sister a lot and my sister has done a really good job of actively playing with her and becoming her friend.
Anyway... recently the little girl has started acting up sometimes when my sister stays over. I'm guessing it has to do with her trying to make sense of her parents getting divorce. I'm guessing that she's dealing with trying to understand who this new lady is and why Mommy is no longer in the house. Is this lady trying to take Mommy's place? Do I need to love this lady? Is it ok if I still love my Mommy? Things like that.
It breaks my heart thinking about it. I wonder how Ellie would respond if she was in a similar situation. My guess is not well.
I'd love to hear any thoughts or advice people might have for how my sister could handle the situation. I have some ideas myself but it's time for me to go home now.
Have a great weekend!
Friday, February 19, 2010
What might have been II
Well we had lunch with him again, and just like last time, it was bitter-sweet. As nice as it always is to see him again, I'm always left with remembering how at one time in my life I imagined him playing such a bigger role in my children's life.
I was talking to my friend, Jen, about it and she pointed out that she doesn't really know much about Cary. She said that she knows he meant a lot to me because whenever I talk about him, I get all emotional. I never noticed that before, but she's right. My eyes tear up at almost just the thought of him.
What's worse is seeing my mom deal with her feelings. There is such a big part of her that questions why she's not with Cary. She thinks about him so often and I've even heard her say on more than one occasion that Cary was probably her soul mate. It's hard for me to sit back and watch her think so fondly and sadly about him.
This time for lunch, though, Cary met Ellie. He brought her a little puzzle (which she loved to put together and take apart over and over and over again) and a bag full of shiny rocks (a total N!ffer gift, but it scored big points for her too). My mom ended up stopping by to pick up Ellie so that my sister and I could spend more time with Cary. That was her excuse anyway.
It was kind of sad to hear the excitement and nervousness in her voice when the plan was decided. Then there was the same tone in Cary's voice when we mentioned my mom would be stopping by. There was the distinct impression that he has the same sort of thoughts about her. Were we just imagining it?
Ellie was pretty cute. She was well behaved but didn't interact too much with Cary. He's a big guy and I can understand that he might be a big intimidating to a little girl. When Gramma came to get her, she asked Ellie if she wanted to give Cary a hug good bye. At first Ellie said, "No. He's re-a re-a re-a big!" but Gramma reassured her by telling her that Cary was a friend of Mommy's and a friend of Gramma's. After that, Ellie walked around the table and gave Cary's leg a hug. Did I see a glimpse of moisture in his eyes? I think so.
I'll be honest. I struggle quite a bit over this. It's so hard for me to see that everyone in this story cares deeply for each other but no one is doing anything about it. What can be done? Who knows. My mom is married to another guy. He's a nice enough guy, but he's not the family man my mom craves so much. He's not going to be the cute playful old man that my mom envisions as her partner in the perfect Grandma and Grandpa duo. He's not Cary. And things are not going well for them.
I'm not sure what else to say. I don't know if there is anything else to say. Maybe there would be more to do about it if things don't work out with my mom and her current husband, but that's not a very kind thing to wish upon anyone. Unless that happens, though, I think I will just have to make the most of the occasional lunches with Cary. N!ffers probably should not play match-makers anyway. Should they?
I was talking to my friend, Jen, about it and she pointed out that she doesn't really know much about Cary. She said that she knows he meant a lot to me because whenever I talk about him, I get all emotional. I never noticed that before, but she's right. My eyes tear up at almost just the thought of him.
What's worse is seeing my mom deal with her feelings. There is such a big part of her that questions why she's not with Cary. She thinks about him so often and I've even heard her say on more than one occasion that Cary was probably her soul mate. It's hard for me to sit back and watch her think so fondly and sadly about him.
This time for lunch, though, Cary met Ellie. He brought her a little puzzle (which she loved to put together and take apart over and over and over again) and a bag full of shiny rocks (a total N!ffer gift, but it scored big points for her too). My mom ended up stopping by to pick up Ellie so that my sister and I could spend more time with Cary. That was her excuse anyway.
It was kind of sad to hear the excitement and nervousness in her voice when the plan was decided. Then there was the same tone in Cary's voice when we mentioned my mom would be stopping by. There was the distinct impression that he has the same sort of thoughts about her. Were we just imagining it?
Ellie was pretty cute. She was well behaved but didn't interact too much with Cary. He's a big guy and I can understand that he might be a big intimidating to a little girl. When Gramma came to get her, she asked Ellie if she wanted to give Cary a hug good bye. At first Ellie said, "No. He's re-a re-a re-a big!" but Gramma reassured her by telling her that Cary was a friend of Mommy's and a friend of Gramma's. After that, Ellie walked around the table and gave Cary's leg a hug. Did I see a glimpse of moisture in his eyes? I think so.
I'll be honest. I struggle quite a bit over this. It's so hard for me to see that everyone in this story cares deeply for each other but no one is doing anything about it. What can be done? Who knows. My mom is married to another guy. He's a nice enough guy, but he's not the family man my mom craves so much. He's not going to be the cute playful old man that my mom envisions as her partner in the perfect Grandma and Grandpa duo. He's not Cary. And things are not going well for them.
I'm not sure what else to say. I don't know if there is anything else to say. Maybe there would be more to do about it if things don't work out with my mom and her current husband, but that's not a very kind thing to wish upon anyone. Unless that happens, though, I think I will just have to make the most of the occasional lunches with Cary. N!ffers probably should not play match-makers anyway. Should they?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Word Verification
Sorry guys... but I've gotten a ton of spam comments in the last few weeks and I finally had to break down and change the settings so that you now have to do a word verification in order to post a comment. Bummer dude.
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