Ugly People

You always hear that divorce often brings out the worst in people. Strangely, even though I'm no stranger to divorce (my mom went through quite a few while I was younger), I had never actually witnessed it until now.

Without going into details, I see how my mom is acting during her current divorce and I've never seen her more ugly.

I'm sure it's one of those things I just can't fully understand unless it happens to me, but I REALLY REALLY feel like ***IF*** Michael and I were to divorce, we'd treat each other with so much more respect.

I'd like to think that if that were to ever happen to me, I would avoid becoming a person I have little respect for. I hope to never be so ugly.

What might have been III

Well it looks like I get to find out...

He's back in the picture. I won't go into too many details, but my mom has decided she can't work things out with her husband and is filing for divorce. Meanwhile, she and her ex have gotten back together. I'm going to pass on going into any details on the negatives of the stories... whether or not I approve... whether or not I think she's doing the right thing... things like that. Instead, let's just focus on the happy stuff, because let's face it... I haven't been able to decide how I feel about the entire situation, so what would make me think I could decide now?

Anyway... they're back together. I have said in the past that I thought he'd make a better grandpa than my mom's current husband, and now I'm faced with that being a real possibility. So... as the responsible mother that I am, I have two questions.

1. What, if anything, do I tell Ellie about Grandpa no longer being in the picture?

Do I explain to her that he is no longer around? Do I just wait until she asks and then what? Or do I just assume he'd slowly fade away from her memory?

2. What about Grandpa being replaced by this other guy? How do I introduce him to her?

They've met before and we called him "Gramma's friend, Cary" but if I'm completely honest with myself, ideally they would call him something cute like Papa, Papap, Gramps or Grampster (ha!). Would that be applying too much pressure on the relationship between him and my mom?

Seriously... it's hard for me to hold back and not jump to the assumption that things are going to be great with him in our lives. It's something I've always wanted even if I didn't know how to work it with all the other details.

So.... uh huh.

Lost in translation

While Addie was fussing during a car ride, Aunt Erin (though it could have been anyone) tried to engage her in a conversation, trying to show Addie sympathy for her increasingly sad complaints.

This is how it went from Erin's perspective:
Addie: Da da da da.
Erin: What's that Addie?
Addie: Da da da da.
Erin: Oh is that so?
Addie: Da ma ma mmmmm!
Erin: Really? Do tell me more!
Addie: Mmmmmm.
Erin: Oh I hate that!
Addie: Thhhsssp.
Erin: I know the feeling.
Addie: Ma ma ma da thhsssssspppp.
Erin: Woah! Then what did you say?
Addie: MA DA DA DA THHHHHSSSSPPPP.
Erin: Wow. You go girl! Way to stand up for yourself!
Addie: PPTHHHHHHHHHSPPPPPP!

Chances are this is the conversation from Addie's perspective:
Addie: I don't want to sit in this chair anymore.
Erin: What's that Addie?
Addie: I said I don't want to be here anymore!
Erin: Oh is that so?
Addie: Yes, stupid. What do you think I've been saying this whole time?
Erin: Really? Do tell me more!
Addie: Ugh. I'm sick of people mocking me.
Erin: Oh I hate that!
Addie: Yet here we are.
Erin: I know the feeling.
Addie: There, you're doing it again!
Erin: Woah! Then what did you say?
Addie: STOP MOCKING ME!!!
Erin: Wow. You go girl! Way to stand up for yourself!
Addie: B!+C#.

My mom now needs a pool.

I chose not to return my mom's phone calls while we were visiting Pappy (which probably just added to the problem). However, I just now got off the phone with her. She asked how the week went with the expected questions of "How was Ellie with Pappy?" or "Did it take Addie long to warm up to Pappy?"

I'm sure my mom means well and wants my girls to enjoy their time with Pappy, but I'm also sure that there is a streak of jealousy behind her questions. Ellie warmed up to Pappy right away. And Grammie too. Addie displayed no stranger anxiety towards either of them, even though she has shown fear towards my mom recently.

"How was Ellie with the lake? Did she like the water?" When I told her that Ellie was practically a fish, her response was "Oh man, that means I need to get a swimming pool too! No pressure or anything!"

It's just a silly statement, I know. And that's why all I'm doing is writing a silly vent on my silly secret blog. But, come on, Gramma! Let Pappy have this one special thing. It's ok for the girls to absolutely LOVE spending time at Pappy's for a week a year. That does not mean they enjoy their time with you any less. You do not have to be, nor should you be, their favorite all the time.

Jealousy

We've been in OK visiting Pappy (my dad) for almost a week now. There has yet to be a day where Gramma (my mom) has not tried to call to talk to Ellie, sometimes trying 4 or 5 times. She claims she's missing the girls. I don't doubt that. However, she often goes for weeks at a time not speaking or seeing the girls when we're at home. I'm positive it's a jealousy thing. It's only because we're with Pappy and Grammie (his new wife). Gramma has this... let's call it a thing... where she is almost threatened by the other grandparents. She wants to make sure she is the girls' favorite.

Come on, Mom. This is Pappy's week. He only gets to see the girls a couple weeks a year... if even that much. You barely go that long between visits. Let him have his time. Back off.

Cussing

I have never been one to curse much. I'm not sure why - it's not like I have anything against those who do. I just don't. I've never really felt much need for it. Maybe I feel like it's disrespectful - to whom exactly, I can't say.

Most of my friends don't curse much either. Neither does my husband. Again, I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's just a classic case of "birds of a feather flock together?" I seem to gravitate towards people who don't use much abrasive language.

When we became parents, it didn't require much effort on our part to watch the language we use around them. Michael had to watch his "craps" and I had to cut back on my "damns" but other than that, we didn't have any concern.

Along the way, we've had to request that some family members watch their language. Grandpa seems to simply not think about what he says when he's in the presence of the children, whether or not fowl language is involved. But other than that, I think most people just know to watch their words around children.

My sister knows it too, but she is an... emotional one. She acts in the moment. She doesn't hold back. If she's frustrated she shows it. If she's happy, it's contagious. If she's pissed, stand back. If she's pissed at you, then save yourself. This, combined with the fact that curse words are more of her everyday vocabulary, results in us being exposed to that sort of language a lot more since she moved in with us.

For the most part she watches her language around Ellie. It's easy to forget how much babies understand, so her tongue is a little looser around Addie. But she doesn't bother to watch her language around me.

The result is that since she has moved in with us, I've found myself cursing more than usual too. I guess that language is contagious. If you hear it more often then it flows easier.

So, here's my beef... I know my sister isn't responsible for my ability to not curse, but I also know that I've had a much harder time with it since she's moved in. I have never requested another adult to stop cursing in front of me (child present is different) but is that a reasonable request? I'm thinking not.

But I wish it were. It would be easier than the self-control I have to practice now.

Redefining yourself

Recently it seems like I'm surrounded by people rediscovering who they are or redefining who they want to be. Perhaps you're escaping to Paris to reconnect with the city where your love story really began, not to mention a family, to see if the City of Lights can tell you what comes next. Or perhaps you're testing the waters of parenthood and a relationship that allows you to be more yourself than the one you thought would last so much longer than it did. Or perhaps you're feeling so relieved and free that the simple act of moving into an apartment of your own feels more like a vacation resort. You recently won your first argument in years, even if it was just one between you and yourself. Maybe you're redecorating a house with all the pretty things you love so much but have been without for years? If there is no "us" in your relationship, then at least now you have a place to really be your "me." Maybe you're about to marry and finally begin a life together with your soul mate? You're just counting down the days. Or perhaps you recently admitted that your soul mate and you have drifted too far apart?

I'm surrounded by people who are redefining their lives and it has significantly impacted my own thoughts. Each person and each situation is a little reminder for me to step back and examine my own life. Who am I? Where do I want to be? I think everyone needs to confirm they're on the right path every now and then. Thankfully I keep coming back to the same answers...

I am N!ffer. I am my husband's wife. I am the mother of my children. I am exactly where I want to be.