Naive Reffin?

During my heated conversation with my mom, she made a comment about how maybe it's lack of experience on my part, more experience on her part, her being older and wiser, or simply more jaded... call it what you will... but you come to a point in your life where you realize that sometimes you can't "just play nice" and expect things to turn out for you. Her pending divorce (call it what you will) has turned out to be a full-out game where neither player (my mom nor her husband) are playing nice.

Is that the way it is? When I get older, will I be jaded like her out of pure necessity? That's just what happens as people age? They grow less and less naive that the Golden Rule really works? I hope not. But who I am to tell? I obviously don't have the same experiences that my mom has under her belt.

Way to go, Reffin?

I recently offended my mother by accident. I wish it was possible to say something, one might call it "positive criticism" but it's not even that, without my family reading more into it than I intend. I don't know if it's the way I say it or if it's just my family needing drama all the time, but I wish it were different.

Anyway, I insulted my mother without intending to. Without going into details, I ended up talking to her about it the next day. As I feared, she had taken my simple statement as a huge judgement. And of course, this led to an intense conversation that opened up Pandora's box.

What was different about this conversation, however, was that I REALLY feel like I was able to not only clean up the mess, but I was able to do so AND still stand my ground. This might be a first for Reffin and it's almost unheard of when people confront my mother. I think I was actually able to explain that there is a difference between an "opinion" and a "judgement" so Go Reffin!

The thing that makes me feel great about it though (as great as I can for having such a heated conversation with my mom during a particularly vulnerable point in her life) was that I think it was the best I've ever REALLY stood up for my husband. Not that he has needed a lot of defending in the past, but usually I take the stance of "Just keep your mouth shut and this will all be over soon."

So... Go me?!

Ugly People

You always hear that divorce often brings out the worst in people. Strangely, even though I'm no stranger to divorce (my mom went through quite a few while I was younger), I had never actually witnessed it until now.

Without going into details, I see how my mom is acting during her current divorce and I've never seen her more ugly.

I'm sure it's one of those things I just can't fully understand unless it happens to me, but I REALLY REALLY feel like ***IF*** Michael and I were to divorce, we'd treat each other with so much more respect.

I'd like to think that if that were to ever happen to me, I would avoid becoming a person I have little respect for. I hope to never be so ugly.

What might have been III

Well it looks like I get to find out...

He's back in the picture. I won't go into too many details, but my mom has decided she can't work things out with her husband and is filing for divorce. Meanwhile, she and her ex have gotten back together. I'm going to pass on going into any details on the negatives of the stories... whether or not I approve... whether or not I think she's doing the right thing... things like that. Instead, let's just focus on the happy stuff, because let's face it... I haven't been able to decide how I feel about the entire situation, so what would make me think I could decide now?

Anyway... they're back together. I have said in the past that I thought he'd make a better grandpa than my mom's current husband, and now I'm faced with that being a real possibility. So... as the responsible mother that I am, I have two questions.

1. What, if anything, do I tell Ellie about Grandpa no longer being in the picture?

Do I explain to her that he is no longer around? Do I just wait until she asks and then what? Or do I just assume he'd slowly fade away from her memory?

2. What about Grandpa being replaced by this other guy? How do I introduce him to her?

They've met before and we called him "Gramma's friend, Cary" but if I'm completely honest with myself, ideally they would call him something cute like Papa, Papap, Gramps or Grampster (ha!). Would that be applying too much pressure on the relationship between him and my mom?

Seriously... it's hard for me to hold back and not jump to the assumption that things are going to be great with him in our lives. It's something I've always wanted even if I didn't know how to work it with all the other details.

So.... uh huh.

Lost in translation

While Addie was fussing during a car ride, Aunt Erin (though it could have been anyone) tried to engage her in a conversation, trying to show Addie sympathy for her increasingly sad complaints.

This is how it went from Erin's perspective:
Addie: Da da da da.
Erin: What's that Addie?
Addie: Da da da da.
Erin: Oh is that so?
Addie: Da ma ma mmmmm!
Erin: Really? Do tell me more!
Addie: Mmmmmm.
Erin: Oh I hate that!
Addie: Thhhsssp.
Erin: I know the feeling.
Addie: Ma ma ma da thhsssssspppp.
Erin: Woah! Then what did you say?
Addie: MA DA DA DA THHHHHSSSSPPPP.
Erin: Wow. You go girl! Way to stand up for yourself!
Addie: PPTHHHHHHHHHSPPPPPP!

Chances are this is the conversation from Addie's perspective:
Addie: I don't want to sit in this chair anymore.
Erin: What's that Addie?
Addie: I said I don't want to be here anymore!
Erin: Oh is that so?
Addie: Yes, stupid. What do you think I've been saying this whole time?
Erin: Really? Do tell me more!
Addie: Ugh. I'm sick of people mocking me.
Erin: Oh I hate that!
Addie: Yet here we are.
Erin: I know the feeling.
Addie: There, you're doing it again!
Erin: Woah! Then what did you say?
Addie: STOP MOCKING ME!!!
Erin: Wow. You go girl! Way to stand up for yourself!
Addie: B!+C#.

My mom now needs a pool.

I chose not to return my mom's phone calls while we were visiting Pappy (which probably just added to the problem). However, I just now got off the phone with her. She asked how the week went with the expected questions of "How was Ellie with Pappy?" or "Did it take Addie long to warm up to Pappy?"

I'm sure my mom means well and wants my girls to enjoy their time with Pappy, but I'm also sure that there is a streak of jealousy behind her questions. Ellie warmed up to Pappy right away. And Grammie too. Addie displayed no stranger anxiety towards either of them, even though she has shown fear towards my mom recently.

"How was Ellie with the lake? Did she like the water?" When I told her that Ellie was practically a fish, her response was "Oh man, that means I need to get a swimming pool too! No pressure or anything!"

It's just a silly statement, I know. And that's why all I'm doing is writing a silly vent on my silly secret blog. But, come on, Gramma! Let Pappy have this one special thing. It's ok for the girls to absolutely LOVE spending time at Pappy's for a week a year. That does not mean they enjoy their time with you any less. You do not have to be, nor should you be, their favorite all the time.

Jealousy

We've been in OK visiting Pappy (my dad) for almost a week now. There has yet to be a day where Gramma (my mom) has not tried to call to talk to Ellie, sometimes trying 4 or 5 times. She claims she's missing the girls. I don't doubt that. However, she often goes for weeks at a time not speaking or seeing the girls when we're at home. I'm positive it's a jealousy thing. It's only because we're with Pappy and Grammie (his new wife). Gramma has this... let's call it a thing... where she is almost threatened by the other grandparents. She wants to make sure she is the girls' favorite.

Come on, Mom. This is Pappy's week. He only gets to see the girls a couple weeks a year... if even that much. You barely go that long between visits. Let him have his time. Back off.