My Dear Sister,

I have thought long and hard about whether or not to discuss this with you and have come to no conclusion. Therefore we have this letter, of which I don't know you will ever see.

I am having a hard time coming terms with my frustration with you at the moment. You don't know this. How would you? I wouldn't be surprised if you think everything is fine and dandy. And part of the problem with me telling you otherwise is that any apology on your part would feel forced and done only because I approached you.

Flat out, I'm frustrated with the way things went down when you lived with us. I suppose it comes down to not defining our expectations well enough. Heck, who knew we had high expectations until we discovered the results were so much lower?

In a nutshell, and of course hindsight is 20/20, here is a list of the expectations we had when you moved in with us (in no particular order of relevance):

1. I would get to spend more time with my sister.
2. The girls would get to spend more time with Aunt E.
3. You LOVE to cook and LOVE to cook for others. We had 3 mouths willing to be fed (actually 4 if you count the newborn).
4. Speaking of newborn, we had one of those and it was going to be so nice to have your help given our new addition.
5. You are such a clean-freak. Not saying you'd pick up AFTER us, but it was going to be so nice to have an extra set of helping hands (especially given #4).
6. Date nights! OMG! How nice it was going to be to have a date night every now and then, where you would stay home with the girls and let us go out.
7. An extra car... with having an extra driver in the house, it would help eliviate some of the time and stress we have picking up the girls from daycare.
8. Paying no rent, just think of all the credit card debt you could pay off!
9. With you only working 3 days a week, we might actually be able to get the basement fixed up a bit for you!
10. Ten seems like such an even number.

And in a nutshell, here are the results (in the same order given above):
1. Yes, more time with sister. Yay! However, that time mostly occurred during the day (lunch and business hours). You rarely took an evening off of your date life to spend with me. And if you did, it was a late start or an early departure.
2. Yes, you saw the girls more often, but it was in spurts of 5 minutes here or there. If you happened to be in your room, Ellie could wake you up. Most of the time it was you giving her a hug on your way out the door.
3. In the 13 months you lived with us, you cooked 3 times: Once because you were hosting girls' night, once because I flat-out asked you to and once when you actually offered yourself. ONCE.
4. Speaking of newborn... yep. We had one. It was tough.
5. Cleaning - You were fantastic the first month you were with us. After that, we didn't really feel much help. Not sure it was *worse* for us. Just definitely not easier.
6. Date nights. Nope. Never got one. You did. We did not.
7. An extra car... I recall you picking up the girls a few times. Few being 2-3.
8. Yep... you claimed that you put all that money we saved you into paying off your credit card debt, yet every time you mention the numbers they increase. Huh? And what about spending the $1k for the charity formal. Sure a portion of it was for charity, but not the $300 dress and $150 hotel stay. I'm glad you got to use your shoes again, though.
9. It took us 2.5 months to paint our basement. Us being us. Not you. We only had an hour or two every night to widdle away at it. Your days were spent elsewhere. However, I did notice that it took you only 2 or 3 weeks to paint the entire floor of your home after you moved in. I'm happy for you.
10. Yep. Ten is still ten.

All this and neither M nor I feel like we ever got a "Thank you" whether it be while you were living with us or after you moved out.

I wish I wasn't so frustrated or disappointed right now. I'm surprised that M is handing it so well, though the reasoning is heartbreaking. He figures that you are who you are and that is someone who doesn't think outside of the box that is herself. Is it true you don't think of others? I hope not. I want to believe that you are a kind and considerate, thoughtful person. But as such, I find myself at a loss for an explanation.

Sigh.

Wedding Dress

Years ago my sister and I were planning our weddings together. We went dress shopping together which was a lot of fun. After trying on a few nice dresses, I was in my changing room putting on the next one and I just KNEW that this was THE dress for me. Through the wall, I heard my sister come out of her dressing room and everyone gasped and complimented her on "Oh, this is THE one! This is it!"

Do you see where this story ends?

Yep, it was the same dress. I came out of my dressing room to see my sister wearing the same perfect dress. And after a 10-15 minute standoff, I finally backed down and let her have the dress. I ended up finding another that I liked a lot, though it didn't have the same instant "This is IT" feel.

Fast forward to today. For reasons I won't go into, my sister's marriage did not last. Today, my friends, that PERFECT wedding dress that I GAVE UP is on its way to the landfill.

Sometimes I'm bothered by the things I sacrifice for my sister.

No words are really coming

OH. MY. GOD. Have you heard about this story? In a nutshell, a mother lost her four children (ages 3-12) AND her husband in a fire in Seattle. The article uses the words "horrific" and talks about how all she could do was scream hysterically.

Count your blessings now, Reffin. It's nearly impossible for me to fathom the pain a mother must go through at the loss of a single child, let alone four... or even her husband. All at the same time. I want to reach out and hug this woman, but I think that if it were me, I would feel like I could never get close enough to touch anyone ever again.

Is there a word that is worse than "horrific?"

The magic of Christmas

I have a confession to make. I'm worried that Ellie won't have a "magical Christmas" like I want her to. Since we're traveling to Virginia this year, it makes the whole "Santa" thing a little tricky. Lorielle is getting the bike and jump rope that she consistantly asks Santa for but we have to leave the bike in CO. We plan to take a photo of the bike and leave a note from Santa explaining that the rules say no bikes are allowed on planes, so he had to leave it at home.

Riddle me this... how is that supposed to be MAGIC???

Hosting

If it were me and I had family coming into town for a visit for the holidays, especially for Christmas, and that family happened to have two young kids who want to have a magical Christmas with Santa, family and gifts... If I was the one hosting, knowing that the family spent a lot of money for plane tickets to see me, and that traveling with two young kids is always very challenging... If it were my family members going through all that trouble to visit me...

... Well simply put, I'd try to do everything I could to help make the trip easier for them. Knowing that they have a lot to carry through the airport... two car seats, luggage AND two wiggly, hopefully cheerful, but most likely not, children... let alone Christmas presents... and acknowledging that they would have to pay for shipping of Christmas presents ordered online regardless... and that they are arriving on Christmas Eve and probably won't have time to arrange for the getting anything done in town... I would totally expect them to ship the presents to my house. I may not know when I would get around to wrapping them, but I would do it even if it meant requesting that they send the presents soon so that I could be sure I'd have plenty of time to wrap them. It would make things easier for my visiters. There is nothing much I could do to ease their load for their return trip home, but I would not see any point in them needing to drag all the gifts through the airport in BOTH directions.

But that's just me. Just saying.

Christmas is all about the... treats?

I realize that this blog has become a place where I vent about my mother and my sister. This post is no exception, though in my defense it fascinates me to see how my sister is developing her own "family" and the decisions she makes along the way.

Christmas has always been my sister's favorite time of the year (something we both have in common). She loves the decorations, the warm apple cider, the presents, the lights, the baking... She loves it all. In fact, she has a dozen versions of the song "It's the most wonderful time of the year." I kid you not.

So it comes as a surprise to me that this year she has decided to NOT celebrate Christmas. In fact, she said she'll only join us if it's convenient. Instead, she is going to celebrate Hanukkah because her boyfriend is Jewish.

I think it's great that he's Jewish. I always assumed it would be a wonderful opportunity for them to expose their children to different holidays and traditions. But instead of doing that, my sister is giving up her beloved Christmas. It's not even like he's insisting. I don't think he really cares.

But when she told me, she came across as having a rebelous teenage attitude about it. Almost like she was saying "Look what I'm doing and there is nothing you can say about it! So neener neener." I know plenty of teenagers who use the word Neener. lol.

We all change for the people we want to be with, but how much have you changed? Would you give up your favorite holiday season for the one you loved? Would you do it even if he didn't care much one way or the other?

Divorce... who knew?

I realize that divorce has suddenly become a very common theme to my posts here. I guess it goes to show how much I don't understand it.

The latest is that my sister's boyfriend's ex (did you get that connection?) has decided to move back to Pittsburgh to be closer to her family. It's a reasonable decision on her part but it sucks for everyone else involved. I believe she wants to take the kids with her which leaves my sister's boyfriend to decide if he's going to stay in Colorado or follow suit. There are so many aspects of divorce (when kids are involved) that I never ever thought about before.

What would you do? Would you follow your ex so that you can stay close to your children? And my sister? What would you do if you were her? It's not an easy choice and I'm sure I'll be posting about how he chooses to handle it.