Nature vs. Nurture

You know the argument, right? Do our genetics make who we are or do our surroundings define the people we are?

As I get older, no wait... I wonder if I should say "as my mom gets older"... I am constantly surprised at the person my mom is. Don't get me wrong, I think she's an amazing person and I will always think that, but it seems to me that recent years I've seen sides to her that I didn't know existed. Strangely enough, I know I started noticing them when Ellie was born. I wonder if there is something to that.

Anyway, I do wonder how much of it really is my mom, or how much of it is her surroundings. She, of course, claims she hasn't changed and that she's always had these strong opinions, but just never expressed them. From my perspective, the mother I knew growing up was much more open-minded, less judgmental and much more conscious about the impact she has on the world around her (both environmentally and personally). She would strive to be a better person and help those around her.

It's easy for me to assume that the changes are an effect of being married to her husband. He's a wonderful man, but does have some strong opinions that I generally would say disagree with the maternal image I have in my mind for my mother.

So who is right? Was she always like this and I was just a typical child blinded by my absolute admiration for my mother? Or has she changed because of spending so much time with her current husband? Does it matter?

Yes, I feel like it does. I feel like in so many ways I don't really know who my mother is. She'll say something that bothers my husband and when he tells me about it, I'll respond with "Really? my mom said that?" How is it possible that I don't really know who she is?

My husband does the same thing with his father. Whenever his father does something that doesn't fit with his image of his dad while he was growing up, he attributes that to his step-mother's influence. So maybe I'm not alone, and maybe I'm right.

But maybe I'm not. Maybe it is the way my mother has always been. And in so many ways I know I'm like her, in which case it scares me. Am I becoming more and more judgmental as I get older? Maybe it's happening at such a slow pace I don't notice it. Or maybe I do notice it but always justify it? The example that comes to mind is the vaccination issue you've heard me complain about recently. Would I have acted the same way 10 years ago?

I recall my mom telling my sister and me that she never wanted to become her mother, and if we ever saw that happening, we should tell her. My sister and I feel like it's happening, but we're too scared to speak up. We don't want to hurt her feelings.

So is that what's in store for me? Will the day come when I tell Ellie "please let me know if I ever become like Grandma?" and then she'll keep her mouth shut when I do?

I look at how much my mom has had to break away from the traditions her family has had and that gives me hope, but it is still a concern that I wonder about whenever my mother does something that takes me by surprise.

I wonder when I lost that naive impression I had of her. Was it when I became a mother myself, or is that just a coincidence? Anyone else experience something like this?