Aunt Erin now claims that she doesn't want children. She's decided that her handbags and dinners at fancy restaurants with her hubby mean more to her than having children. She figures she can spoil Ellie (and the sibling we all keep forgetting is on the way) tons and thus be able to experience all the good side of children without the bad, difficult part. She figures it will be cheaper that way too.
Let me just say now that I'm calling her bluff. I don't believe her, nor do I agree with her. Sure, children make it more difficult to have time out, but I don't think they are any more expensive than the life that Erin would have without children.
But the important part is that I don't believe her.
But I also found myself having a hard time deciding if I should say anything about it. I tried to tell her that she's still missing out on the great moments where Ellie runs to me exclaiming "Mommy!" and gives me a big hug. I tried to come up with other examples - there are so many, but my mind came up blank. It was almost like I thought that there was no way I could convey how amazing it is to be a parent.
And to add to the story, last night we went to Chick-Fil-A and Ellie was dipping her fries and chicken into two different sauces. Aunt Erin made a comment about how "see, this is why I don't need my own kids." I'm pretty sure she was grossed out by how messy Ellie was (which really wasn't very) or that she was "mixing" sauces. Either way, her comment bothered me. I think it was on behalf of Ellie, but it's been weird to hear Erin list examples (all from Ellie's actions) of how she can deal with never having any of her own. It made me sad for Ellie's sake.
Yet the more Aunt Erin came up with examples, the less I believed her, and that's the real point. Let it be known. I'm calling her bluff. Only time will tell who is right.
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Trying to come up with counterpoints to why children are awesome is like trying to convince someone to like the same colors as you. You can say "but peach looks like a sandy beach!" yet they liken it to pale earthworm.
She might just be saying this or it might be something she really feels. Or she might feel it but change her mind later. My guess is it's better to accept whatever her choices are and not pursue it.
However I do think it's impolite of her to expound on how much she doesn't want kids in the company of yours. But she could be feeling defensive, as if she has to want the same things you want. This pressure may come from within, or may come from without. If you accept her decision unconditionally and without judgement or comment, she may open up with more details.
I know one of the hardest things for me about not having kids yet and about not wanting them, is wondering what is wrong with me for not wanting them. Do I really want them and just not know it? How does one know? I see how joyful parents are, how much they love their kids, but without having that warmth inside me, that desire, I can't ride someone else's wave. I wish I could, it would be so much easier.
I tell myself fine, lots of people want horses and I don't so maybe it's ok to not have those feeling inside. I don't know though. Maybe I would feel differently if other things about my personality, upbringing, relationship, or life experience were different. sigh. This was a nice honest post, thank you for sharing.
That was a nice and honest comment. Thanks!
I think if she were to decide she doesn't want kids then I would be supportive of that. I think it's a decision that only the individual can really decide what's best for them.
However, the reason I posted this, and the reason I'm "calling her bluff" is all the "trouble" she's given me in the past about having kids first. She has made enough comments about wanting the first grandchildren or being jealous of me having kids first that I just don't buy this new decision of hers.
Heck, remember when I told her I was pregnant again? Her response was "Well crap" and she hung up on me. She did call back after a few minutes to apologize. She had such mixed emotions about it. She wanted to be happy for me, but at the same time she really wanted to have the next child.
This new attitude about children is a 180 from what I've gotten from her in the past. That's why I don't buy it. There is nothing wrong with it. I just don't believe it.
Is that bad of me?
Her commenting on it in front of Ellie did really bother me, but it was one of those situations where, looking back, I wish I had responded differently. It's not just that I wish she hadn't said it. It's also that I wish I had something else in response. I wish I had hugged Ellie and said "I love having you in my life" or something to reassure her. Then again, maybe she didn't even notice. Who knows.
Oh that's right. You mentioned this before but for some reason I'd forgotten about how she reacted after your phone call. Ok, now I feel less like this is someone just announcing how they feel (even if inappropriately) and more like she is making a false declaration to ward off an insecurity.
I wonder if she wants kids but is having trouble (physically)? So maybe her way of dealing with it is to suddenly pretend she doesn't want it. If so, that's a shame because in doing so, she'd be alienating not only herself but you as a potential resource for support.
In this case, I change my tune. I might be tempted to say "xx, I hear what you are saying and I accept whatever you feel 100%. But this sounds very different than what you used to say. What changed for you?"
Or I might say nothing, as I hate confrontation.
You're right, time will tell.
I think I may just ask her next time she says something along those lines. I'll say "what changed? this is so different than what you've said in the past." I like that.
Interesting discussion-- hard to guess what she may be thinking. Personally I was on the fence about having a kid for a long time and I think life would have worked out find either way. Just because someone doesn't want a kid by choice doesn't mean they hate children. But people look at you funny- I feel like I get that look now when I mention out loud that motherhood is hard. It's a choice... and a HUGE one. I love my little one but even now I think it's hard to argue with how life can be quite full without having to have your own. I think people do feel defensive about that choice- she may have a hard time expressing it without putting down your choice. I also agree with spleeness-- quite lame of her to say it in that way in front of Ellie. Insecurity can bring out immaturity-- maybe when you comment you should also start with, "That's cool. So great to really have all these choices available to modern women- you can do what works for you. What changed for you in how you thought about it?"
KC - Like I told Spleeness, it's not the idea of not having kids that I have a problem with. Even I was tempted to not go the route of family so I have no problems with those who choose that lifestyle. It's the fact that my sister has been so competitive up until this point and it is just a complete turn for her. My guess right now is that she's actually upset about me being pregnant again and is trying to remind herself of all the reasons she doesn't need kids right now. We'll see where it goes. The conversation hasn't come up again recently, nor has the one about me being pregnant. I think we're both avoiding those topics.
ahhh siblings... so many opportunities to build character. i see what you're saying. good luck working out those tensions with her.
My uneducated guess is that her desire to be a mother is eating her alive. I know I acted that way when I was hurting the most. I think you're doing the right thing by waiting for her to bring it up, though in your current state I think it's going to be hard to get an honest answer from her.
Hugs to you.
Ah siblings... That says it all, doesn't it?
Heidi - I think you're right. I think it seems to fit the story more than any other explanation. We'll just have to wait and see.
Heidi hit the nail on the head!
I think she (like me) feels SO much pain about not being able to even try for a child that the only way to deal with that pain is convince herself that it wouldn't be that great anyway.
We're both waiting until we have certain ducks in a row and the waiting can definately eat you alive.
That's pretty much what I believe now and the topic rarely comes up. She doesn't like to be reminded that I'm pregnant again, though she did comment on how I was definitely pregnant in the family pictures.
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