What might have been

Sure I think about you now and then
But it's been a long, long time
I've got a good life now, and I've moved on
So when you cross my mind...

I try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin in
And theres no way to know
What might have been

We can sit and talk about this all night long
And wonder why we didn't last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But we'll have to leave them in the past...

So try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin in
And theres no way to know
What might have been

That same old look in your eyes
It's a beautiful night, I'm so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say good bye, and turn and walk away...

And try not to think about what might have been
Cause that was then
And we have taken different roads
We can't go back again
There's no use givin in
And theres no way to know
What might have been
No we'll never know, what might have been


I had lunch today with an old friend. He and my mom dated for many years while I was in junior high and high school. In many ways he was in my life when it mattered most. Things didn't work out between them, but it's one of those situations where it left us all wondering "what if". At times things were amazing with him, but at other times they weren't. Obviously it was the latter that ended up prevailing, but the former that keeps us holding on to memories hoping they don't disappear for good.

It was weird to see him today. It's hard for me to come to terms with the fact that he isn't a big part of my life anymore. I wish he were. I wish he could see my daughter grow. I wish he could be a Grandpa that could show her the world through playful eyes, like he showed me.

In fact, I owe N!ffer to him. He was the one who started it, and probably the only one who truly referred to me by that name. Now it's a name that I hold dearly. Only those closest to me have the right to call me N!ffer, and I love it when they do. That wouldn't be the case without him, and I think it goes to show how much he meant to me.

I can't help but wonder, though, what might have been if they had stayed together. I feel like my mom would be the same person I thought she always was, maybe a more playful, less cynical version of herself now. I don't mean to insult my mom. I just think that she would be different had things ended differently. You tend to become more like the person you're with, and just because she is more like her current husband does not mean it would have been better the other way. It just means I wonder. I can't help but feel like we'd be a closer family if they had stayed together. We would have played more with each other. We would have more fun. Things would be less serious.

I would love for Ellie to grow to know this man who meant so much to me and it hurts to be reminded of the fact that it probably won't happen. It's just not practical, is it? However, I wonder if I will ever be able to tell Ellie the stories about this guy and how he helped me become who I am. Maybe it's one of those things that would mean more to her Mommy than to her, but I do hope that I will be able to show Ellie that this man deserves a lot of credit for who and where I am and he means a lot to me, even if he is no longer a big part of my life. I wish he were.

Germ-a-phobe

I've wondered at times how people who are major germ-a-phobes can deal with having young kids. Germs have never really bothered me, but I certainly never appreciated the ability of a toddler to find them.

This last weekend we went up to Estes Park for Labor Day weekend. My brother was up there too, but he was really sick. Michael and I kept thinking that he should just go home if he felt that sick, but I'm sure that he would be better taken care of with my mom around. Anyway, he spent the entire weekend on the couch in the living room, hacking up a storm. It was gross.

Knowing that Ellie is a germ catcher, as all young kids are, we tried to keep away from him as much as possible. We thought we were doing good, too, but then we went out to dinner (just the two of us) and came back to find that Ellie and Uncle Jake were playing a game that they both apparently found to be very entertaining.

Here's how the game worked:
1. Uncle Jake tosses a used klenix across the room
2. Ellie trotts over, picks it up and returns it to Uncle Jake

UM, HELLO???!!! You have got to be kidding me?!

I will not go into too many details about the consequences of playing this game, but I will say that I learned something new about a cold that comes from a virus. Did you know that it's possible for the cold to spread around a toddler's entire body, resulting in a rash from head to toe? Doctors say it's nothing to worry about and will go away in a few days (which it seems to be doing so) just like with a normal virus. We were also reminded that a virus in our family typically goes to Ellie first, then Mommy and finally Daddy.

Ugh. Next time, we may seriously think twice about whether or not it's rude to tell someone to just go home!

Asking for trouble?

Ok, I might have a small issue coming up in my near future. I recently sent a post to the mom's group (who, by the way, have been much better at responding lately) asking if anyone would be interested in having scrapbooking nights. In MD, I had a small group of girl friends who would meet every week to work on scrapbooks. The real reason was to get out of the house and have some girl time, but the scrapbooks made for a nice excuse.

Anyway, I got a handful of responses, which is exciting. So what's the problem?

The problem is this... One of the moms who responded is the person who sent out the original "Pox Party" post that I mentioned on my other blog. I do not know if any of the other mommies interested in scrapbooking are the same as others who responded with a different opinion than my own.

But I do know that one mommy is a Pox Party Person! UGH. I'm sure that she is a nice lady, but can I seriously expect to become friends with her, knowing now how strongly the topic of Pox Parties just upsets me?

But I can't really just leave her out, can I? Ugh.

3 months in

John, who started work on the same day as I did, informed me that today marks our three months of working here. Do you know what that means? That means we've reached our minimum time to wait until we try getting pregnant again. The way we figured it, we had to wait at least 3 months and then have a 9 month pregnancy to receive my full maternity leave benefits.

Hmm... On further thought, maybe we should wait another month in case the baby is born early. That would suck to be denied benefits just because of a premature birth.

Pappy's Girl

Ok, I fully admit that they were probably just trying to come up with a nice gift idea for Pappy, but when I saw a collage of pictures of Ellie's step-cousin (my dad's wife's grand-daughter) with "Pappy's Girl" in big letters across the bottom, I couldn't help but be a little insulted. What does that make my little girl?

I know it's silly of me, but I did feel better to know I wasn't the only one it upset. My sister commented on it. Michael commented on it. Even Justin (my brother-in-law) noticed. I guess I just find it difficult to imagine myself giving such a gift when I know that Pappy has another grand-daughter, who is also (maybe even more so) "Pappy's Girl".

Parenting comments

I guess it's naive of me to think that people won't talk about our parenting skills and whether or not they think we're doing ok, but it does bother me.

Last night my sister commened on how my mom commented on "Merlin" being a bad name for a dog. This led to me asking if my mom made any comments on the names we picked for the baby. This led to me asking if she's made any comments on our parenting skills in general. I should not have asked.

It's not that it's bad or anything. Maybe my sister was being nice and sparing me any details, but she did say that both of my parents have commented on us being overly protective of Ellie.

Why does this bother me so much? Do I really need my parents to think that I'm doing everything great? Or maybe everyone thinks I'm overly protective of her? Or, is this an opinion that they made at the beginning and just haven't modified it as Ellie grows? What else have they said?

I'm not sure why it bothers me so much. Maybe it's because I don't think it's true. I do think that we are protective of Ellie, but not overly so. In fact, we've gotten the opposite comments from our friends - comments on "you are both so relaxed" when it comes to us watching nervously as Ellie approaches the edge of a small staircase, with the grass just two feet below. We try not to jump to rescue her all the time. It's not easy being relaxed.

I think that's what bothers me so much about my parents comments. We work hard at not being overbearing so it hurts my feelings to hear that they think we are being so. I really wonder why they think that. Do they still think so? I wish they could adjust their opinions instead of sticking to the first impressions they got. Or maybe they have? Maybe the problem is that my sister just hasn't heard the new opinions.

UGH. Stop it. It's not that big of a deal.

Mother's Day

It occured to me this morning that just because I am a mother now, it does not mean that I no longer have a mother of my own. I need to decide quickly what to get my mom for Mother's Day! Shhh!!! Don't tell her that I forgot!